Every year the Collegian does its special Freshmen-only issue, and every year I explain that I've already answered all the frequently asked questions. They can hardly be frequent anymore. So instead of doing that again, I'm going to answer all your Infrequently Asked Questions.
Question 1: "Can my pet Peruvian Howler Snake stay with me in the residence halls?"
Answer 1: With a name like that, I can't imagine anyone is going to try and stop it. Legally, however, you're only allowed to bring purely aquatic animals in with you. Fish are fine. A cat with a scuba mask is not a fish.
Question 2: "How much should I bribe the residence hall staff so I can drink lots and lots of alcohol?"
Answer 2: Well, you want enough money that it makes that whiny, do-gooder part of the brain shut up entirely. And since tuition just went up again, you probably don't have that kind of cash lying around.
Question 3: "If I leave my house at 6:30 a.m. going forty miles per hour, and a parking cop leaves his house at 7 p.m. going twenty-five miles per hour, then I park in a illegal zone at 7:10 p.m., at what time will I receive my parking ticket?
Answer 3: Your ticket will arrive even before you leave the house/purchase your car/are born. They're very thorough.
Question 4: "I have been told the residence hall food is delicious. Exactly how delicious are we talking? 'Five star restaurant' delicious or 'liquefied joy' delicious?
Answer 4: Given those choices, I'm going to have to go with both, or rather, half of both. "Liquefied restaurant." The name just melts on the tongue, much like the food tends to.
Question 5: "I grew up in a tiny closet which I shared with my six big brothers and their horses, so I look forward to the vast increase in living space provided by a state-of-the-art CSU residence hall room. But what am I ever going to do with all that extra space?"
Answer 5: With the economy surging like it is, there is always a need for more landing strips for major passenger planes. You can easily turn the walkway from your bed to your door into airport the size of Denver International Airport. Of course, first you'll need to master quantum physics. Or cater exclusively to adorable little elves.
Question 6: "I really want to be duct taped to a wall. What's the most polite way to ask for this rare treat?"
Answer 6: Walk into a fraternity holding a sign that says "Your fraternity sucks." I kid, of course. Fraternities are wonderful organizations that provide the young men of the campus with wonderful connections and opportunities. Specifically, the opportunity to connect you to a wall.
Question 7: "Can I go now? I'd like to get a head start on my studies."
Answer: Yeah. Right. Studies.