May 082005
Authors: Ryan Chapman

The signs that the semester is only a week from being over are everywhere. Book buyback has begun, blue books are on sale, freshmen are moving out of the dorms and graduating seniors are streaking the Oval.

The impending glory of a never-ending summer in Fort Collins is now within sight. There is however, that one last hurdle to overcome… finals. In the past this college student "F" word has been most often associated with a strong feeling of dread and agony, similar to that of an upcoming root canal. I am here today however, as I often am during times of unrest on campus, to suggest a solution.

I have devised this list of three quick and easy ways of beating pre-final anxiety. The following recommendations have been proven to relieve stress, or in some best-case scenarios get you hospitalized and excused from the final completely.

1.) Television Remote Control Toss – I can personally attest to the quick-action, stress-busting power of this technique, and so can my roommates for that matter. All you have to do is pick out one of your remotes (preferably one that looks cheap or doesn't work anymore) and throw it into the wall as hard as you can with a loud scream. It is that simple, and the best part about this technique is that spending hours picking up all of the little pieces that are left over makes for a great excuse for not actually studying.

2.) Fruit Golfing – For me, nothing says, "hey I'm kind of stressed out right now," like hitting things with golf clubs. That is why I devised this method for stress relief that incorporates that very idea with less risk of personal harm to those around you. Simply gather up all the old fruit in your house or in the dumpster behind Whole Foods (oranges and mangos work the best), dig out an old golf club, and tee off. The downside to this tactic is that it can only be done during nice weather because, as it turns out, indoor fruit golfing often leads to a loss of your security deposit.

3.) Naked Bed Jumping – This step pretty much speaks for itself. It is best if not done in mixed company, in the dorms or when you are expecting visitors. Also, if you attempt this method with your entire study group, make sure you have a strong bed frame.

In the seemingly impossible case that these methods don't immediately cure any test anxiety you may be feeling you can always pay someone to punch you in the stomach. A punch to the stomach has a 100-percent success rate of making you instantly forget about anything else, and I could use the money if anyone is interested.

So, good luck to you all this next week and be sure to heed my advice, I'm pretty sure it will work. And to all my regular readers I have good news – I will be back in the fall with more useful advice for everyday life and maybe some political commentary as well, we will see. Have a great summer CSU!

Ryan Chapman is a junior marketing major. His column will return next year.

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