May 042005
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

Finals! Finals! Finals! (Think a solemn bell gong, maybe some somberly chanting monks). Their presence falls across campus like the shadow of evil, spreading the smell of fear and coffee. Doctors say the best way to deal with a source of stress is to distract yourself from it with whatever your local humor columnists suggests. Doctors also say to give me a dollar.

So, for the rest of the article, I won't mention the word "finals." Everything from here on out are happy ways to distract yourself from That Which Must Not Be Named.

Sometimes it's fun to see how many of those free cookies you can take from the grocery store before you get full/kicked out. This is applicable to anything that's free and edible – mints from a restaurant, samples from Costco and kittens from the pound. Once you've sated your hunger/been arrested, you can brag that there is indeed such a thing as a free meal.

There's also some fun stuff you can do at makeout point, wherever that is around here. I mean, I totally know where it is, I was just checkin' to see if you know, ya know? Anyway, makeout point lends itself naturally to another fun distraction – ruining other people's dates. You'll need a flashlight, a boom box and an enthusiastic but incontinent dog named Piddles.

If by any chance there is a shortage of dogs named Piddles, here is a list of dogs with alternative acceptable names – Poopsiekins, Speedy, BooBoo and Sir Poopsalot. Once you have acquired such a dog, the rest of the sketch writes itself similar to any other lovers-interrupted-at-makeout-point story. The only trick is getting your hook hand back from the door handle.

What about arts and crafts? As long as you're trying to distract yourself from … things … you might as well be productive. Pottery is a fun and easy way to be creatively productive. Unfortunately, you'll need some very specific tools, or you would, if you didn't have a friendly columnist to give you alternatives to actually owning a pottery wheel.

Step number one – tip your car on its side. Actually, it's probably better if it's not your car, in case of a pottery mishap. Step two – apply clay to the hubcap. Step three – start the car. When the wheel begins to spin, you're free to express yourself artistically, or to dive out of the way as the car spins out of control. Whichever seems most appropriate.

If you're still not free of stress from … things, there's always a massage, but massages can cost money, which is silly. Really, if a massage can be given from someone walking across your back, what's to stop you from hiding under a blanket on the Lory Student Center Plaza and letting nature take its course? Other than, say, self preservation.

There, an entire article during finals week that's entire goal was to be therapeutic, rather than remind you all of how very important these tests are to your grade point average and hence your future, and how even a slight mistake could ruin your careers forever and ever. Have a good week!

Johnathan Kastner is a junior English major. He is an entertainment columnist for the Collegian.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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