Apr 272005
 
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

RamTalk is a wonderful resource filled with zany-infighting over T-shirt colors and whacky political policy. The occasional question goes mostly unnoticed. That's what I'm here to fix, along with whatever problems are posed by said unsung questions. Just to abate confusion, your mad ramblings are in italics, and my replies are in normal speak.

 

My roommate hasn't woken up in … 42 hours. I hear him snore and move around, so I know he's alive. Should I be concerned? (April 19)

Well, you have to consider the possibility that something has eaten him and that's what's moving around and snoring. Once you've considered that possibility, send another "friend" in to check the situation out. If they don't come back, start looking for a new apartment.

 

I've never heard of medicinal alcohol. Discuss. (April 19)

Alcohol and medicine are quite intertwined. Do you really think doctors could stand to stick their hands into some guy's gooey insides while totally sober?

 

My roommate Larry went crazy the other day so I hid up inside the storage space above my closet in my dorm room. I'm stuck. All I have is my laptop, a giant box of Ramen noodles, some lingerie and my laundry detergent … Please Help Me. (April 20)

You have a laptop with Internet access, Ramen and an excuse to miss virtually unlimited classes, and you want us to help? You, my friend, are living the high life. Sure, you may grow to miss little things such as running water and moving, but once the isolation hallucinations kick in, the magic talking lingerie will keep you company.

 

To all the people using RamRant to anonymously attack people and all the people using it to anonymously respond to said attacks … only monkeys throw poop at each other. (April 21)

That's simply not true. America was founded on poop throwing, if you think tea tastes like poop, which I do. In fact, it's a patriotic tradition, as most political combat is done using the medium of poop. This is why they call them "smear" campaigns, if you'll pardon the visual. So I say keep arguing in incessant, vicious circles! It's patriotic!

 

When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny" – what's the difference? (April 20)

If the weatherman is a pessimist, he will say "partly cloudy." If he's an optimist, "partly sunny." This is reversed if the weatherman is a vampire.

 

The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist. (April 25)

No, but it does make your work art. Art used to be about skill and expression, but the recent fad is to out-weird your predecessor. Sign a urinal and call it art? The guy after you will release a live skunk in the museum and call it a "performance piece." Alive, we'll call them criminals. Once they die, that's when they become artists.

Johnathan Kastner is junior English major. His column runs every Thursday in the Collegian.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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