Apr 192005
Authors: JP Eichmiller

Rarely has the president been accused of being one of the great intellects of our time. Yet, even for the man who sees no need to pick up a daily newspaper, the nomination of Assistant Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz as president of the World Bank may trump all of the previous "bushisms" we have been exposed to.

Wolfowitz is best known as the key proponent and architect of our country's invasion of Iraq. It was Wolfowitz who pushed for the overthrow of Saddam Hussein even as the World Trade Center was still smoldering and Osama Bin Laden was roaming free. It was Wolfowitz who sold the cooked-up evidence of weapons of mass destruction to the powers that be. And it was Wolfowitz who drafted up the invasion plans requiring too few troops, over too little time, with inadequate equipment and with absolutely no consideration as to the after-effects of an occupation.

So in keeping with the president's disdain for logic and rational thinking, I am offering the administration some nontraditional options for other departments in need of leadership change. Don't scoff and remember that this president doesn't always think within the box like the rest of us.

For secretary of education I would like to nominate Michael Jackson. Please remember that Jackson is only an accused child molester, and like all of us, innocent until proven otherwise. Bush can relate to this conundrum as he has been accused of such improprieties as desertion, drunkenness, ineptitude and downright sloth.

There is no doubting Jackson's love of children and while his methods may be somewhat unorthodox, he seems highly motivated to get close to them and feel them out.

For secretary of homeland defense I am supporting the Motor City Madman himself, Ted Nugent. Saying that Nugent believes in home security is like saying the new pope is a little bit Catholic. I would only hope that he would include excerpts of his recent engagement at a National Rifle Association convention into his nomination speech.

In Nugent's own words, according to newspapers across the country: "Remember the Alamo! Shoot 'em!" (Applause here). "To show you how radical I am, I want carjackers dead. I want rapists dead. I want burglars dead. I want the bad guys dead. No court case. No parole. No early release. I want 'em dead. Get a gun and when they attack you, shoot 'em."

The man simply has a way with words that so many of today's politicians lack.

For the position of drug czar, the choice is clear: Rush Limbaugh. Not only does he understand the effects of drugs through personal experience, but he also realizes the concepts of minority repression and buying freedom that are so important in our nation's ongoing war. Limbaugh understands that the struggle is not about freeing the unfortunate from the binds of drug addiction, but about keeping the poor in their place and filling lawyers' coffers. The drug war is serious business and Limbaugh would make sure the right people are making money off of it.

Finally, as the next Supreme Court justice I am urging the president to select one Tom DeLay, lovingly known in Washington as the "Texas Hammer." If you thought watching Judge Judy was fun, wait till you see DeLay lay his "Hammer" down on various civil rights, pro-choice and environmental activists. He'll lock them up and throw away the key faster than a Texas tornado. DeLay is also pro-bribes, which means business will be good for industries and the like struggling under all of our stifling rules and regulations.

You may dismiss my ideas as pure hyperbole, but that would be a mistake. The president and I are men of vision – we scan the horizon for new ideas. The rest of you would be wise to join the club.

JP Eichmiller is a senior technical journalism major. His column runs every Wednesday in the Collegian.

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