I have some urgent, breaking news that demands everyone's immediate attention: Sen. John Kerry lost. OK, let's be honest. This is not breaking news for most of us. It has come to my attention recently though, that a small constituency of former Kerry supporters have not, up until a few seconds ago, heard anything about the results of last year's election.
My initial estimates show that these people could possibly make up as much as 5 percent of the student population at CSU. My research also shows that most of these unfortunate souls are still waiting for the final vote count for Ohio, which no one, until now, has had the heart to tell them, was completed approximately six months ago.
These people, however few, are making their presence known in our pleasant little town by leaving their Kerry/Edwards signs in their windows, lawns and on their car bumpers. This group of "haters," as some have begun calling them, have formed quite a bond since the election and rumor has it that they might even be applying for a cult permit from the city. A "cult permit" would allow them to not only display Kerry/Edwards signs, stickers, buttons, etc., but also gather for drum circles and political diatribes in the woods outside of town.
However little influences these "haters" have on society, they are still a blaring example of how insufficient our current media is. If people haven't yet heard the news that last year's election is over and John Kerry lost, then one can only speculate as to what other important information has slipped by unnoticed.
The only solution to a problem of this magnitude would be forced news watching. We could introduce a plan where every day at 5 p.m., people on the designated "hater" list would be forced to come in from playing Frisbee golf and making hemp jewelry and watch the evening news.
If the budget allows, we could also get televisions with 24/7 news coverage installed inside the Cheba Hut and the Alley Cat restaurants, which I predict would reach almost the entire "hater" demographic on a daily basis.
While some of these steps may seem rather drastic, I feel that we cannot put a price on the well-being of our fellow students. Something must be done now to ensure that this kind of colossal lack of information never happens again.
In all seriousness though, Kerry conceded his loss last year with dignity and proved that he was a man of honor, if not morals or intelligence. Unlike that slimy weasel Al Gore, who dragged out his losing bid for the presidency months after it was over, Kerry did the right thing. It is now time for everyone to realize that the Kerry/Edwards campaign is gone forever, and moving on is the only natural course of action.
Oh, and one last note to the Kerry fans: Taking down those signs and bumper stickers might just give you some closure so you can get started preparing for your next humiliating loss in 2008.
Ryan Chapman is a junior marketing major. His column runs every Wednesday in the Collegian.