The Twelve Days of Spring

Apr 132005
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

Don't know how to kill springtime? Here are 12 sample ideas we at the Collegian collected and assembled, and then we added our own unique blend of spices and malice to. Spring lasts at least 12 days, and here's a way to spend all of them.

Day One – Break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend/computer. They've been getting way too clingy with their demands for attention and virus protection. Ditch that anchor and set sail for the wild waters of spring flings.

Day Two – Bored, bored, bored. Maybe go for a walk or something, until you realize that nature is boring, too. Seriously, you recolor a few dozen flowers and call that innovation?

Day Three – Wear a swimming suit and wash a car. For extra fun, make sure it's not your car. Grind the gas tank.

Day Four – Explain to the nice doctors that you got the idea to grind the car from an article. Sue a local columnist.

Day Five – Build a snowman! It's Colorado, and it will probably snow at least once during any given 12-day period. If snow isn't available, build a hail-man. If hail isn't available, then build a leaf-man. If leaves are not available, wander a desolate and doomed earth in the light of the dying sun.

Day Six – Wear skimpy clothing. Short-shorts are a must, as are tank tops. This maximizes those hormones that make spring what it is. If you're a guy, shave your legs first.

Day Seven – Do some sports-related activity. I'm not to sure how they work, as I try to avoid things that are needlessly complicated. But I'm given to understanding that they're all about balls and screaming. Find a ball and wander around with it, screaming.

Day Eight – Go hiking or biking. Usually this is best to do in a place without too much traffic, away from all human contact, such as the library on a Friday night. Incidentally, this is also a good place to do some other strenuous activities popular during spring. Studying for finals is what I meant.

Day Nine – Go for a drive. There's a lot to see out there and you're not too cool to go and see it. I mean, have you ever seen how truly, brain-slushingly boring Wyoming can be? It's quite an experience, and it'll make you feel lucky you live in a state that has discovered the third dimension.

Day Ten – Ditch classes. Thirty years from now, that one class won't matter. Unless that teacher hands out a study guide for the final, and you miss it, and you flunk out, and you can't get into a class because that class you flunked was a prerequisite, and you fail out of college, and then a truck smooshes you. Nah, go ahead and ditch.

Day Eleven – Enjoy the nice weather. Drink a cooling soda. What? They don't all have to end badly.

Day Twelve – Realize youth is fleeting and embrace it fully in all its wonder by acting like a moron.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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