If you're like me, daylight-saving time means two things. First, there is the brief moment of panic when you and your computer's clock have an argument over where that hour of your life went. Second, your sleep schedule will spiral further and further out of control because of mankind's foolish hubris in toying with time itself.
Daylight-saving time is a time-honored tradition that annually drowns at least a week in sleepless haze. It looks like 6 p.m., and it feels like 6 p.m., but it's actually noon the following day. This is where the spiral sleep schedule of doom comes into play.
All I'm doing today is helping you get your sleep schedule back on track. That's the important thing here – a return to normalcy, despite the presence of this insane and frustrating custom that has stolen an hour from all of our lives.
Certainly, I have no intention of insulting this customary "borrowing" of time. I can promise you I won't be spreading malicious and false slander about the origins of daylight-saving time. At no time will I point out that this loss of an hour falls suspiciously close to April Fools' Day.
Far be it from me to question the wisdom of the scientists and/or madmen who, in their infinite wisdom/madness, proposed daylight-saving time. I would imagine that they said something such as: "You know what? As scientists, our weekends are boring and full of math and hence should be an hour shorter. Everyone else should do this too because we all full of spite/madness."
As I said, I am here merely to help you adjust along with the clock, not to spread wild rumors about daylight-saving being a form of mind control. Certainly the mind is more suggestible when it's tired, but to effectively utilize that as a form of mass mental dominance would require everyone to be tired at the same time. And what are the odds of that?
No, daylight-saving is a wonderful idea that should be applied to even more aspects of our lives. Why not, every alternate weekends, take or add an entire day? This will make those long weeks seem more relaxed and enable us to handle the drudgery of the short, weekend-less compacted weeks.
In fact, I'm pretty sure there are some months we're not using. I can't remember ever doing anything important in August. Why don't we chop that up, simmer it for a while on low heat, and then spread the resulting glaze over neater months, such as December. Or, how about some entirely new months! Decebruary!
I apologize. I have gotten off track. I assure you that my intent here was purely to educate you on ways to regulate your sleeping schedule. Your health is my primary concern, and I would in no way use my column to vent about my pet peeves and wacky theories.
So: Advice. Put your clock back to normal. Everyone else is crazy.
Johnathan Kastner is a junior English major. His column runs every Thursday in theDish.