The Quiet Rage of Puppies

Apr 042005
Authors: Tyler Wittman

I seem to be incapable of avoiding celebrity news. I started to wonder if it was a personal problem, kind of like my allergy to Jennifer Lopez, until I recognized a frightening pattern.

Most news stations and tabloids prefer stalking celebrities to really educating us about world issues or the pressing concerns facing the United States. Even scarier is the fact that most Americans prefer reading about celebrities than, say, the Iraq situation. Taking this into consideration, I decided it's about time I covered some celebrities instead of the boring dribble that is politics and issues of importance.

I am particularly curious about the eerie obsession that America's favorite prostitutes (Paris Hilton and Britney Spears) have with little animals. I don't question fashion trends; they tend to be absurd (pink shirts, collars flipped up, moon boots, etc.) and I just leave it at that.

I do, however, have to say that there's nothing that says "en vogue" quite like a quivering, shaved Chihuahua with as many clothes on as its owner. It seems that the essential accessories for today's women are clothes as small as the wearer can tolerate, a bracelet or two, a Louis Vuitton purse that costs as much as a small island, and a fun-sized dog that fits into said purse. Since when is a dog an accessory? Why isn't People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) all over this?

These conniving Hollywood brats get a dog that's too small and useless to protect itself from anything more than a fly (the kind that land on feces) and then show it off by letting the poor thing poke its head out of their purse at some premiere. We can thank Reese Witherspoon for starting this trend in her movie "Legally Blonde," and we can credit the rest of Hollywood and this country with being monkeys who do what they see.

We need to train all small, cute puppies to use concealed weapons or suicide pills, like the CIA. Or even better, how about we train them all to chew on silicone feverishly with an incensed passion that is only stopped with a high-pitched whistle that yours truly will carry around his neck?

This could get messy, but desperate times call for drastic overreaction. That way the puppies have control of their own fate if they cease to be dogs and start to be a fashion accessory. I wonder why these celebrities don't get full-sized Burmese mountain dogs as accessories. Could it be that a dog pooping on the red carpet isn't really in style?

Perhaps it's because a full-sized dog would dismember one of these Barbies if they tried to put them into their purses. Where is this trend going anyway? Are people going to start bringing their pet llamas on the red carpet? I might let it slide if Johnny Depp wore a parrot on his shoulder, but that's just because he's a pirate. I sincerely hope that one of these dogs pees on Hilton or Spears, but to do so might dignify one of these celebs as being worthy of the dog's urine.

I suppose until we pass real laws against animal cruelty, we'll just have to sit back and watch helplessly. Take heart in the fact that these dogs are probably crapping in the equally crappy purses being carried by the even crappier celebrities who own them. This simple fact allows me to sleep at night. I think about this and a tear rolls down my cheek; I smile, let out a little laugh to myself and think, "You know, everything's going to be all right."

Tyler Wittman is a junior speech communication major. His column runs every Tuesday in the Collegian.

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