Mar 202005
Authors: Matt Hitt

What really matters to the American people? Turn on CNN or pick up any newspaper, and it looks like what Americans really want to know about is Michael Jackson's trial, celebrity breakups or other such matters of national interest.

Frankly, I support such a focus. Bravo to our nation's media for focusing on what really counts – celebrities and the various troubles they get into. If ever there were stories worthy of national media attention, it would be those about rich or famous people breaking the law.

Celebrity quirks and mishaps constantly warrant breaking news stories, as they should. I hate to think that I should go five minutes without learning what's happening to Michael Jackson.

See, the media has all its priorities in order. Forget those stories that reveal information to the public about critical issues in our society. Nope. It's the end of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez's marriage that is front-page news. (Although I did weep when the glory that was Bennifer finally died.)

But I can't throw all the blame on the media for the trite and worthless "news," which constantly receives coverage. After all, they're only responding to public demand. Average Joe Six-Pack, if he opens a newspaper at all, flips to the most entertaining and typically pointless story on the page.

How awesome is that? We don't get in-depth, in-your-face coverage of important issues because: We don't want it! Heck no, I want to read about famous people screwing up!

Having noted this alarming apathy toward anything relevant, I have taken it upon myself, as an ethical journalist and a concerned citizen to try and make money off it.

Here's the plan: I will begin publishing, as soon as I stop feeling lazy, a new magazine entitled, "Sexy Celebrity Breakups in Prison." It'll have everything: Celebrity! Prison! Sex! Breakups! In!

As with all my get-rich-quick schemes, it's bound to work, except when it doesn't. I am finally ready to leap from my current field, "sit around and think stuff-up journalism," to the far more lucrative field of "sit around and think stuff up about celebrities journalism."

But don't worry. Even when I'm a wealthy "reporter," I'll still remember the little people while I drink martinis out of a golden goblet. Yes, it's the little people, who for some reason care about what the famous people do, that make it all possible.


Matt Hitt is a sophomore theatre major. His column runs every Monday in the Collegian.

 Posted by at 6:00 pm

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