Mar 092005
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

If you don't have your resume ready, you're probably doomed.

Right now, busy little bees are taking all the good jobs, internships, parking spots and flowers. So, you need to get to work right now. After you read this. Maybe catch some television first. Still, if you write right, resumes can be fun and if prepared exceptionally well, delicious.

A resume is a means by which you sell yourself to a prospective employer. The resume critiques your desirable qualities, and the "objective" statement says what you will and will not do. Sometime before you get down to business you should state an expected salary range. Now, read this paragraph again and think naughty thoughts and things that are only legal near Las Vegas.

A good resume boasts the accomplishments of its creator. Modesty is not your friend. Exaggeration and lies are. Some people might have some moral disorder that forbids lies, and since there's no a pill for that yet, we'll have to use logic to correct them before we can move on.

You will apply for a job and be honest, but the other applicants will not. Their lies will sound better than your truth. This is not fair. Unfair things are not good. Things that are not good are evil. It would be evil not to lie on your resume.

Now that that's all settled, we can get onto the resume's true substance — appearance. Most resumes don't really get read — they get glanced at by a high-power, low-attention-span executive who immediately uses the unattractive ones as kindling in his gold forges.

To ensure yours gets glanced at, use what they taught you back in elementary art class — glitter and glue. This will draw the eye and make your resume sparkle. Next, attach dried macaroni, which will give your resume extra width on the stack. Finally, trace your hand and give the pinky finger a beak. This finger turkey is a sign of creativity and may be rewarded with a sticker or promotion straight to management.

What about the non-edible parts of your resume? Those, tragically, must be filled with words. There's really no getting around this. Or … is there? Yes. I wouldn't have mentioned it otherwise, silly.

The key here is that the resume will be glanced at before it goes to the flame. Cover it with pictures of yourself, and they will be subliminally implanted in the boss's brain. Next, simply start working at the office. Say hi repeatedly. The boss will assume he or she knows you, and then it's simply a matter of mentioning a glitch in payroll. Congratulations! You are now employed.

If that doesn't work, you may have to try that honesty and hard work shtick, at least until people trust you enough so that you can lie again. In either case, the time to act is now. Get your resume, pasta and glue sticks together, and put that fine education to use.

Johnathan Kastner is a junior English major. His columns run weekly in the Dish.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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