Mar 062005
Authors: Matt Hitt

Renowned homemaker and jailbird Martha Stewart was released from prison recently. Her short incarceration has caused her company's stock to quadruple since before she began serving time.

That got me thinking. I need to get arrested. Now. There's money in this whole prison thing. After all, if being a known felon quadrupled Stewart's profits, why wouldn't it do the same for me?

And she has only just begun making cash off this whole prison deal. I can just see the spin-off from her old show. Imagine "Martha Stewart Living: In Prison." There'd be helpful hints on how to gussy up your homemade weapons with elbow macaroni and sparkles, tips on how much basil to add to your rancid mush to give it that homemade aroma, and demonstrations on how easy it is to brighten up your cell with new curtains to cover the bloodstain on the wall from where your old cellmate lost it that one night.

Oh, and I can just see the new line of prison-themed housewares. Stewart has always sold pots and pans and picture frames, but what about glittery ankle bracelets and shivs with that extra touch of love and sparkle?

Prison is the best thing that ever happened to Stewart. I think a little incarceration would do wonders for the images of some other celebrities.

Richard Simmons has been the butt of so many jokes, but if he did five-to-10 for beating up a mime, I think he'd make a mint off a new tape: "Sweating to Hardcore Gangsta Prison Rap." I know I'd buy it.

Or what about good old Britney Spears? Her brand of dull, inoffensive, bubblegum pop would get a nice edge after a stint in the big house. Finally, all those pathetic Spears' fans would be able to cheer for an artist with a little street credibility.

Frankly, I'm having trouble thinking of one person whose life wouldn't be improved by spending a little time in jail. Stewart is more popular now than she's ever been. People seem to view her as human again, as opposed to my previous view that she's some kind of handicraft robot.

I think its heart-warming that the American people view a prison sentence as a sign that Martha Stewart is a normal human being. Forget about charity work, having children or taking time away from the public eye. Nope, the best way to get people on your side again is to spend five months trying like heck to keep away from Big Bertha in cellblock D.

Stewart is an inspiration to anyone who ever dreamed about growing up to be kind of rich and really irritating. She has shown that through hard work, perseverance and believing in oneself, anyone can get the amazing benefits that come from a stint in a U.S. penitentiary.

I salute Martha Stewart and all that she stands for. Next week, instead of a column, I'll be out beating up mimes, in the sincere hope of getting all the rewards that come with doing time.

Matt Hitt is a sophomore theatre major. His column runs every Monday in the Collegian.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.