– Has anyone ever noticed that people who drive large pickup trucks lack the basic ability to park straight?
– Why do they always have to blur out Ashlee Simpson's butt crack on her reality show? Fool needs to buy herself a belt.
– I hate stupid meathead bouncers at the bar.
– I hate north-facing houses. I've got a 4-inch thick glacier in my front yard that's not going to melt until the middle of July.
– How do you shoot a blue elephant?
I don't know.
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a pink elephant?
Mmm, with a pink elephant gun?
No, everybody knows those don't exist. You hold its trunk shut so it turns blue, then you shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
– I'm so sick of hearing about Big-D from the Internet. He's a bum!
– That was obviously a Kurt Cobain impersonator. Everybody knows he's been dead for like 10 years.
– Grandma called. She said to quit ruining people's lives and eating all our steak.
– This burrito is delicious, but it is fillllliiiing.
– Hey Metros, wearing shirts two sizes too small for you doesn't make you any bigger.
– More annoying column: Baker and Bondy's pathetic attempts to sound cool or Kelly Hagenah's weekly stomach-wrenching life lessons. Discuss.
-Why does the media feel the need to make the NHL season cancellation "breaking news"? I've known this was coming for months. I am so sick of the NHL!
– Why are girls still carrying around those Louis Vuitton, Burberry or Gucci purses? No one thinks they are real, even if they are. By you carrying that around you are defeating the purpose of having a "status-symbol" product. Clueless!!
– What do Fred Flintstone and Saddam Hussein have in common? … They both live next to rubble!
– I'm a grown man, and sometimes I sit down to go pee.