I am a concerned Taurus writing in response to the daily horoscope on Friday. I read my horoscope every day, just for amusement since they're right next to the comics, and so I can count how many five-star days my sign has.
Let me tell you, it is tragically few. But the all-time low came last Friday, in which our horoscope read thusly: "TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Go over everything with a fine-toothed comb as if you were looking for lice. Errors are likely to be made and will cause setbacks in your evil plans. Don't argue with me. You won't win. -3 stars."
Dude, what's up with that? Negative three stars!? It's an atrocity to have less than one! Not fair, I say! Now, I am not one to rail against my fate, but really, I do think it's going a bit far to predict setbacks in our evil plans (some of us work hard on those, I'll have you know!), not to mention forbidding us to argue against this tragic prediction! And so, to appease all those early-spring babies who, like me, were disappointed at the dismal day predicted for them on the Friday, I propose an alternative horoscope:
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You are going to have a fabulous day today! Throw out your fine-tooth comb; you are lice-free! Way to go with your evil plans – they are well on their way to success, and soon you will take over the world. Incidentally, you look great today in that outfit you're wearing, and you will ace all your tests because of your smart, sophisticated style. While raking in the straight A's, you will run into the man/woman of your dreams, who will ask you out to coffee/ chai/ tea/ champagne on the spot. Way to go Taurus! You rule!!! +10 stars
Sophomore Equine Science & French major