My last advice column was so successful that some of the readers
who listened to me actually survived. Encouraged by this, I have
continued on my quest to solve other people’s problems, whether
they actually ask me to or not. If, however, you would like to
email me, the universal solvent, the address is
firstname.lastname@example.org. There is no problem too big or
compound too small that I cannot dis-solve it, and the following
are no exceptions.
My dorm room is cool like cold, but not cool like kickass. Fix
both of these for me, but keep it cheap. I’m poor because my dad
won’t give me any more money.
I spent 30 years as a professional interior decor engineering
foreman scientologist, so you’ve come to the right place. The
heating problem is easily fixed – do you have a microwave? Tape it
open and keep it running 26 hours a day. The same technology that
heats your leftovers can keep you toasty at night on a cellular
level. As for cool of the donkey-slaying variety, you need green.
Parents can be easily bilked of money provided you don’t mind
sending them fake hospital bills. Make sure to claim something rare
and contagious so they won’t try to check up on you. Or you could
just beat up kids, since morals don’t seem to be a problem for you.
I am bored.
Fire has entertained man for thousands of years. Try burning
stuff. Be careful though, or it will only entertain you for a few
I keep tuning out in class when the teacher is babbling. I try
to take notes but he keeps going off on stuff that doesn’t matter,
and the room is warm, and it’s in the afternoon so I’m tired. How
can I force myself to pay attention?
Well, it’s impossible to pay attention if you don’t care about
something and it doesn’t sound like the class is very interesting
to you. Maybe you should stop going? You could hire someone to go
for you to take notes and tests. You’re a busy person, and there’s
a surplus of workers, so why not delegate? Really, you’re just
doing your part to speed along economic turnaround. This flaw-free
logic indicates that it is your privilege, nay, your duty as an
American citizen, to ditch as many classes as possible.
Guys are so hard to read. How can I tell if this guy I know is
into me? We’ve hung out and talked a few times and he’s soooooo
Well, guys are notoriously hard to read, mainly because we have
no idea what we’re thinking. Guys, generally associated with dogs,
are actually more like cats in this respect. Ever see a cat
randomly jump into the air and take off at a full sprint? That’s
what everything is like for a guy. But odds are, if he drags
something dead into your living room and leaves it there, he likes
Any surviving questions can be forwarded to me, and I’ll make
sure to take real good care of them. Or you could just keep them
quietly to yourself, but it’s a verifiable scientific theory that
unanswered questions cause leprosy.