God is in the news again, causing more controversy among us
simple beings whom he created in his image, if not intellect. Seems
the Supreme Court is going to man up and quit hiding from this
little separation of church and state issue it has been ducking for
the last 25 years.
Over the last 50-plus years, Christian groups and religious
activists have been attempting to bridge the gap between God and
politicians. What has become the main battleground of this
controversy is the right to post ancient laws written more than
4,000 years ago in our government buildings with the purpose of
trying to keep a group of wandering Jews from becoming soulless
heathens. These rules, collectively known as the Ten Commandments,
are popping up in courthouses and schools across the country. Now
the Supreme Court of the land must decide if the founding fathers
actually meant it when they desired to live in a nation where the
minority must not be subjugated to the will of the tyrannous, or if
they were just godless heathens themselves who knew not what they
Perhaps those in charge are overlooking the real issue here, the
actual practicality of these “commandments” in our modern day
world. The writers of our Constitution put in provisions for
amendments that we have exercised numerous times over the last two
centuries. Yet millions still cling to the every word found on
those rocks Moses brought down from Mount Sinai so many years ago.
Maybe it is time to spruce these rules up a little and welcome God
into the 21st century.
The First Commandment: Though shalt have no gods before me.
Sorry God, but this is America, and I don’t believe in kings. In
this country everyone stands on equal footing – no better, no
worse. We are going to change this one to, “All gods are equal in
the eyes of the law.”
The Second Commandment: Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord
thy God in vain. Again I have some discrepancy here with the home
rules, if any of you remember that little freedom of speech thing.
But we can see where God was going with this, so we’ll just tweak
it a little to “Don’t be swearing in front of little kids.”
The Third Commandment: Remember thou keep the Sabbath. The man
upstairs had it right with this one; we all need a day off.
Unfortunately in today’s busy world, I spend Sunday preparing for
the week ahead, so changes are needed. “On the fifth, sixth and
seventh days thou shall rest.” There you go, mandatory three-day
weekends. Thank God.
The Fourth Commandment: Honor thy Father and thy Mother. In this
day of incest and latchkey kids, this one is way too broad. Try
this one from Ali G “If yous want respect, then yous need to give
it.” Check it.
The Fifth Commandment: Thou shall not kill. I like this one in
general, but I need to close some loopholes so that some of my
leaders, who shall remain nameless, can’t weasel their way out of
Hell. “Thou shall not kill, order others to kill or send others to
The Sixth Commandment: Thou shall not commit adultery. We are
going to go ahead and get the government out of marriages by
eliminating this one. Instead, “If a girl doesn’t unlock the car
door for you after you let her in first, dump her, and if a guy
doesn’t say ‘bless you’ when you sneeze, kick him to the curb,”
seems to cover more bases anyway.
The Seventh Commandment: Thou shall not steal. I say, “Don’t be
a greedy scrooge, and remember those who have less than you.” In
other words, there are too many millionaires and homeless in this
country at the same time.
The Eighth Commandment: Thou shall not bear false witness
against thy neighbor. We are going to modify this so as to end the
despicable practice of exchanging lighter prison sentences for
ratting someone out. “You do the crime, you pay the time.” If you
don’t think God believes in street justice, you need to read your
The Ninth, Tenth Commandments: Thou shalt not covet thy
neighbor’s wife. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods. What
are we, communists? What is more American than wanting better stuff
than your neighbors? These two are gone. Instead, we got “Don’t be
hatin’,” which will leave Marilyn Musgrave with not much to do.
So there you go — new, improved and ready to be hung in
courthouses everywhere. Ignore them at you own risk. But remember
what God said in Malachi 2:1-4: “And now O ye priests, this
commandment is for you. If you will not hear … behold, I will
corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces . . .”