Ten Commandments Redux

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Oct 182004
 
Authors: JP Eichmiller

God is in the news again, causing more controversy among us

simple beings whom he created in his image, if not intellect. Seems

the Supreme Court is going to man up and quit hiding from this

little separation of church and state issue it has been ducking for

the last 25 years.

Over the last 50-plus years, Christian groups and religious

activists have been attempting to bridge the gap between God and

politicians. What has become the main battleground of this

controversy is the right to post ancient laws written more than

4,000 years ago in our government buildings with the purpose of

trying to keep a group of wandering Jews from becoming soulless

heathens. These rules, collectively known as the Ten Commandments,

are popping up in courthouses and schools across the country. Now

the Supreme Court of the land must decide if the founding fathers

actually meant it when they desired to live in a nation where the

minority must not be subjugated to the will of the tyrannous, or if

they were just godless heathens themselves who knew not what they

spoke of.

Perhaps those in charge are overlooking the real issue here, the

actual practicality of these “commandments” in our modern day

world. The writers of our Constitution put in provisions for

amendments that we have exercised numerous times over the last two

centuries. Yet millions still cling to the every word found on

those rocks Moses brought down from Mount Sinai so many years ago.

Maybe it is time to spruce these rules up a little and welcome God

into the 21st century.

The First Commandment: Though shalt have no gods before me.

Sorry God, but this is America, and I don’t believe in kings. In

this country everyone stands on equal footing – no better, no

worse. We are going to change this one to, “All gods are equal in

the eyes of the law.”

The Second Commandment: Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord

thy God in vain. Again I have some discrepancy here with the home

rules, if any of you remember that little freedom of speech thing.

But we can see where God was going with this, so we’ll just tweak

it a little to “Don’t be swearing in front of little kids.”

Perfect.

The Third Commandment: Remember thou keep the Sabbath. The man

upstairs had it right with this one; we all need a day off.

Unfortunately in today’s busy world, I spend Sunday preparing for

the week ahead, so changes are needed. “On the fifth, sixth and

seventh days thou shall rest.” There you go, mandatory three-day

weekends. Thank God.

The Fourth Commandment: Honor thy Father and thy Mother. In this

day of incest and latchkey kids, this one is way too broad. Try

this one from Ali G “If yous want respect, then yous need to give

it.” Check it.

The Fifth Commandment: Thou shall not kill. I like this one in

general, but I need to close some loopholes so that some of my

leaders, who shall remain nameless, can’t weasel their way out of

Hell. “Thou shall not kill, order others to kill or send others to

be killed.”

The Sixth Commandment: Thou shall not commit adultery. We are

going to go ahead and get the government out of marriages by

eliminating this one. Instead, “If a girl doesn’t unlock the car

door for you after you let her in first, dump her, and if a guy

doesn’t say ‘bless you’ when you sneeze, kick him to the curb,”

seems to cover more bases anyway.

The Seventh Commandment: Thou shall not steal. I say, “Don’t be

a greedy scrooge, and remember those who have less than you.” In

other words, there are too many millionaires and homeless in this

country at the same time.

The Eighth Commandment: Thou shall not bear false witness

against thy neighbor. We are going to modify this so as to end the

despicable practice of exchanging lighter prison sentences for

ratting someone out. “You do the crime, you pay the time.” If you

don’t think God believes in street justice, you need to read your

Old Testament.

The Ninth, Tenth Commandments: Thou shalt not covet thy

neighbor’s wife. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods. What

are we, communists? What is more American than wanting better stuff

than your neighbors? These two are gone. Instead, we got “Don’t be

hatin’,” which will leave Marilyn Musgrave with not much to do.

So there you go — new, improved and ready to be hung in

courthouses everywhere. Ignore them at you own risk. But remember

what God said in Malachi 2:1-4: “And now O ye priests, this

commandment is for you. If you will not hear … behold, I will

corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces . . .”

JP Eichmiller

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