Boy bands more or less died when Justin Timberlake left *NSYNC like the last rat fleeing a sinking ship. Somehow, as we got older and wiser, our generation realized that boy bands weren’t a group of singing boys, but were instead a corporate wolf in sheepish young boy skin. Or maybe the evil spirits that powered their ascent were drawn instead to reality television.
Whatever the cause of their decline, the world is poorer for their absence. Sure, the emotions and rhymes were often so super-sweet and saccharine that it could have exploded a Care Bear. But in today’s dark, dreary atmosphere, with a forecast of gloom, this excessive sweetness is more needed than ever to combat the modern blues. Or it could meet the gloom, matter-and-antimatter alike, and destroy us all. But that’s a chance we have to take. For the children.
A classic boy band had several “styles” of boys in it. There was the shy one, the cute one, the unclean one, the effeminate one and the mime. Tried and true and trite. We need something new and shiny, with bells and whistles, fresh and hip, filled with sweet caramel.
Let’s introduce the wave of the future, and may we all drown in their cultural perfection.
Nowadays kids are into electronical wondertrons, and the first band member covers this – enter the Hacker! Hacker refers to himself by his Internet name, “h4x0r,” and while he knows all that kind of nerdy stuff, he’s not the glasses and acne kind of nerd. He’s the cute computer-savvy rebel who hacked into the English department to change your grade. His single, “You Hacked Through the Firewall to My Heart’s CPU,” will score big with girls who like a smart guy, or smart guys who wished girls liked them.
It’s quite chic to pretend to be earth conscientious, and the next fellow covers this. With his braided, beaded $60 haircut, here cometh the Hippie. Technically a second-generation hippie, the Hippie has inherited both the morals of a flower child and the pocketbook of soulless corporate puppet. He’s the whole package – a vegan who knows where to get a $30 tofu burger. His breakaway hit, “Earth Second, Our Love First,” donated all its profits to Greenpeace.
But where is the fire? Where is the spirit? Carefully bottled away in the Corporate Rebel. His feisty spirit and flippant apathy was the product of focus group research and hours in makeup and wardrobe. Sure, you might be saying, “But all pop stars have that. What makes the Corporate Rebel unique?” Bangs, my friend. Bangs that barely hide his piercing sad blue eyes, as his rebellious spirit hides his truly sensitive nature. His song, “No One Can Tell Me Not to Love You,” shows off the group’s talent with rage-filled a cappella.
This would be a group for today’s youth. Unfortunately, what with file stealing, it wouldn’t make quite so many billions of dollars, leaving your group in tragic, comparative poverty. Oh, you’ll need a few more in your group. Go with a cute one and another cute one with a cool haircut. People love originality.