Sep 152004
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

Internet fads usually burn out before written word can document

them, which is just the way Nature intended. I keep waiting for

this to happen with livejournals and weblogs. Weblogs (blogs) or

livejournals (ljs) may be unfamiliar to some people (old). A blog

is a lot like a diary, in that you write your most personal

thoughts and deepest secrets down in a daily, or semi daily

fashion. Except instead of hiding it under your bed, you post it on

a bathroom stall, which is a really appropriate metaphor for the


If you’re wondering why anyone would post their thoughts online

to be read by strangers, you’re not alone. In fact, we should have

tea some time to discuss the matter while scoffing at the dirty,

uneducated peasants. Of course, your part of the conversation would

be largely moot, as I already know the answer. So let’s skip that

whole uncomfortable meeting thing and go right to the scoffing.

These people are posting because they hope that somewhere,

someone can answer their problems and fix their lives. I can’t do

either. However, I can offer terrible advice and warn you not to

listen to me. That being said, I know everything and you should

listen to me.

The following are real situations, randomly selected from the

realm of livejournals, with grammar corrected, spelling fixed, and

content de-obscened. The names have been changed to protect the

innocent and keep the guilty from getting ideas.

“My boyfriend and I have been going out for over a year now. But

a couple of times, he’s disappeared for months at a stretch. He

said he had things to do, and I don’t want to seem needy, but this

bothers me. Do I confront him on it?”

No. Confrontation and discussions are never good things. What

you want to do here is repress. Whenever you feel angry or lonely,

find a spot on your skin and just pick at it until you’ve dug it

out. This is called a “nervous tick” because it doubles your odds

of finding and destroying ticks and other parasites. As for the

boyfriend, have you ever thought that he might have good reasons

that he can’t share with you? What if he’s half bear, and has to

hibernate? What if he’s a crime fighter and has to leave to fight

month-long crimes? What if he’s a half-bear crime fighter, who also

is a huge jerk?

“I have a car-less friend who is constantly guilting me into

driving him around. He ignores my hints that I could use some cash

for gas. I don’t want to lose him as a friend, but I don’t want to

be his personal taxi. What do I do?”

The problem here is that a real friend would pay for gas without

being asked, and be there when you need him, and be made of magical

edible sunshine. Since people like this don’t exist, my advice is

to become a hermit, ’cause hey, claws.

“I always endeavor to be the nice guy with women, but they

persist in falling for “bad boys.” Alas, cruel world, that it

should spawn such irony of cruel and ironic natures. Why do those

who are the most foul capture that which is most fair?”

He probably actually asked her out. But since you know what she

likes, why not play to the crowd? Get some black leather,

sunglasses, and try not to pass out from the oppressive random heat

waves Colorado is known for. Remember, in some hypothetical

cultures, sweat stains were a sign of virility.

“My computer’s motherboard uses incompatible SD RAM, which is

more expensive and less utilitarian than other, more modern forms

of RAM. Should I get a new motherboard for my P4 1.8 gigahertz PC

or should I buy the SD RAM?”

I have no idea what that meant. Use fire until the problem goes


So the next time you have a problem, be it romantic, financial,

or dietary, don’t post it in your livejournal. Cut out the

middleman – send it to me, at “Don’t

Bog your Bog with Cheerless Fog, Log some Chat with John C


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