Where no athletic talent can help you

Going up against your bitter rival for state supremacy in front

of 76,000 people? Cake.

Playing in front of a national TV audience during primetime? As

easy as The Avenue is on IDs.

But standing before hundreds of college-aged girls with money

being auctioned off for a date? Now that’s scary. Or so I’ve heard,

cause I sure don’t have the berries to do it.

And I’ve done some things that have damn near made me soil my

pants.

Like jump off a 65-foot cliff in Lake Powell. Or drive though

the mountains in a blizzard on bald tires.

But stand on stage for a bachelor auction and be judged solely

on your looks and the amount of money you can bring in? I’d rather

eat raw meat from a Chinese restaurant.

That’s why I have to applaud the 18 bachelors who took part in

Sigma Phi Epsilon’s Sixth Annual Charity Bachelor Auction, which

was Wednesday night at the Lincoln Center.

I mean, take Drew Wood and David Anderson for example. As the

best defensive and offensive players, respectively, on the CSU

football team, they’re regularly performing in front of 30,000

people and TV audiences. They enjoy the spotlight just as much as

any other NFL prospect would.

But even they admitted to feeling nervous before being

auctioned. It’s one thing to dive and catch a game-winning

touchdown pass as time expires. It’s completely different when your

name is called for the auction and you catch all the ladies putting

their money safely back in their wallets.

And then there are the requests some girls have to make sure

their money is well-spent. Good thing these guys are football

players, cause if I were on a stage and females screamed for me to

shed some clothing, I’d have been gone faster than you can say,

“Pilates.”

Their job is to exercise. My job is to write about how well

their exercise pays off. About the only exercise I do is running to

the liquor store before midnight.

So when Wood, the leading tackler on the CSU football team, and

Anderson, the leading receiver, took their turns on stage, there

was nothing their athletic talents could do to save them. No matter

how big a Division I football player’s ego can get, a high bid of

$20 can burst that real quick.

No fear, though. The ladies loved ’em. Wood went for $110.

Anderson netted $130.

And even though both athletes were thrilled to have broken the

century mark, more solace was found in the fact that the money they

raised is for a good cause. The 18 bachelors alone raised more than

$1,600 for Catholic Charities Northern and the Boys and Girls Club

of Larimer County. The entire event brought in more than

$3,000.

Now those aren’t the type of sales Wood and Anderson’s team

brings in for football games, but a good chunk of change,

nonetheless. And whereas after football games all they get is a

date with media people (mostly men) like me, after Wednesday night,

they got a date with someone quite a bit more attractive.

And that’s a lot more than I can say for myself.