File under: sports, columns
CSU is a good school. We have knowledge to go places.
But that sure as hell doesn’t show at football games.
Yeah, last week the Rams on the field looked as horrible as a fanny pack. But we looked as dumb as a fanny pack with bells in the stands. We do just about every home game.
Fortunately, there’s four games left at Hughes Stadium this year, so we better start getting it right before we look worse.
CSU doesn’t have many traditions. We paint the “A.” How many of you can say you take part in that? Only if you’re a football player or a member of the fraternity that does it.
But just about every single one of you has attended a football game, right? If you haven’t, why are you in college? To attend Mystery Science Theatre? Nerd alert.
Anyway, there are a few things us Rammies fans like to do at games. And a lot of you do it wrong. You’re why we’ll never be able to bring back the art of lining the student section wall with empty beer cups. You’ll find a way to f*%# it all up.
So we start with the kickoff. Many like to pull out their keys, jingle them while the special teams take their place, and say “Ohhhh” progressively louder as the kicker nears the ball. We do this quite well. It’s simple. My 6-year old cousin could perform it as well as you can.
But are you as ignorant as a 6-year old girl? Why would you jingle your keys as the opposing team’s kicker nears the ball? Are you trying to fire him up so he sails the ball over the heads of our dandy returners?
No. You only jingle keys and progressively say “Ohhhh” louder when CSU’s kicker is about to kick off. This way the opposing team has no chance of a return.
When they kick the ball to us, you should simply hold up five fingers and chant “DEX-TER,” in homage to No. 5 Dexter Wynn, the best kick returner this side of the Kansas cornfields.
Easy enough, right?
OK, on to touchdowns, field goals, safeties, or any other method of CSU scoring. After we put a few more points on the board, we like to find the nearest female (preferably a lighter one doing a nice J-Lo impression) and proceed to toss her up like 2Pac says.
The number of times we do this depends on the number of points we have on the board. So for all you people who can’t wait to fondle a girl’s butt, there’s a thing called the extra point after a touchdown. You don’t start grabbing a girl until you see if we actually get that point.
Got it? Let’s move on.
Football games are a fun time. A good place to see old friends, make new ones and meet people you’ll never remember meeting. But do it at the tailgate. It starts three hours before kickoff, meaning 1:30 p.m. tomorrow.
Inside the gates, there’s business to take care of. It’s a sporting event, not a damn social event. Take that cute new hottie you just met to your place in the stands.
Our attendance at games actually isn’t that bad (capacity-wise, at least). You just find more people in the beer lines than behind the sidelines.
So can we do that? That’s all I ask of you. All this is really not that hard.
We messed up the first two home games, but have two more the next two weekends and then two more the rest of the season. Let’s get it right.
I’ll wear a rainbow-colored fanny pack with bells if you impress me.