An Ode to Gawking

Aug 272003
Authors: Joe Marshall

I really love the first week of school. I love it not for the classes, not for the hustle and bustle, but for the bust lines. Any guy who has spent any amount of time on the Plaza pretending to peruse the paper knows what I am talking about. And don’t call me a pig, XX’s, because you are just as guilty of this act as your XY counterparts.

This activity involves no spoken words and few obvious gestures, but rather is a passive game of seeing and being seen.

“It is my sole motivation for going to class the first week,” says senior Ed Sevadjian. “Is there any other reason I should be going?”

The first two days of school are the best people-watching days of the year for two reasons: the first reason being that everyone shows up to the first day of class and the second being that so many people dress up. How ridiculous is dressing up to go to school? Yeah, and you’ve almost certainly done it!

My favorite aspect of this charade is the anonymity. Faced with the bedazzling question of “where did all these beautiful people come from?” then wondering why I had to roll a four in the genetic crap-shoot of aesthetic beauty, sitting on the plaza allows for a benign way to observe all those girls I am too afraid to talk to and to wonder if I will ever get the nerve to strike up a conversation.

So this week my love-hate relationship with all you pretty girls definitely falls on the side of love. Oh, how I loathe the winter.

Hero/Zero of the week:

In a new segment, each week I will pick the hero of the week and the zero of the week. If you know any person or group who was a hero this week, email me telling me who and why they’re a hero. You can even nominate yourself if you feel you committed a commendable act (I will not mention your self-nomination) and deserve credit. Please do not send me zeros, whereas this world has no shortage of morons.

Hero of the Week: Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., who 40 years ago today made his timeless “I Have a Dream” speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. Dr. King was a hero in the purest sense of the word, and it is nothing short of tragic that after 40 years those who have done the most to advance his vision are icons of pop-culture while those in power pay little more than lip service to his ideas.

Zero of the Week: Whoever this purse-snatcher is on campus. If you get caught, and I hope you do, I will be at your sentencing. Why? So I can petition the court to make you wear a sandwich board around telling the whole world what miserable scum you are! You should have you hand chopped off. Punk.

P.S: I’m thinking about starting a coed, recreational kickball league. Tell me if you’d be interested next time you see me.

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