I got my #2 pencil. I got my bubble sheet. I got two hours of sleep. It must be finals.
Ah yes, finals: one week each semester of pure, unadulterated stress. A time to be sleep-deprived, wired on caffeine and filled to the brim with useless facts.
Rather than burden your minds, I thought I could provide some food for thought. Still, in the spirit of finals, it will be an exam. First, the short-answer questions:
Q. Is a t-shirt or a poster worth getting a credit card that you will use to ring up a couple thousand dollars in debt?
A. Yes. Those t-shirts are so cool. They have Jon Belushi from Animal House and Homer Simpson. By all means, sign-up for a credit card so that you can get the cheesy gift.
Q. What does the future hold for CSU?
A. These budget cuts you hear of are about to turn into serious changes. Already, I’ve seen a decline in the quality of faculty at CSU. Jack Lovelace, a professor who makes class worth attending and school worth your pretty pennies, is one casualty close to the heart of this journalist. When a university has to cut quality faculty, they lose academic quality. In turn, maybe fewer students will want to attend CSU. And that means less money, doesn’t it? So how do you fix a budget crisis?
Q. What is the easiest thing to forget during finals?
A. You need to sell back your books as soon as possible. Those money-grubbing book stores give a decent amount of money to the first couple people. After that, you get offered $1.50. Explain to me where in economic theory it clarifies how a book worth $125 in January is now worth less than a microwave burrito.
Q. What is the single most pressing problem facing America?
A. Finding someone to replace Hugh Hefner. The guy is getting old, and I don’t see anyone worthy of his throne.
Q. Why do I need experience to get a job if I need a job to get experience?
A. (left blank)
Q. What is the best part of working at The Collegian?
A. It’s a toss-up. Being recognized and asked for autographs in pubic is pretty cool. When the bouncer ushers you through the velvet rope to the V.I.P. room, you feel important. Or maybe, it is the countless hours that you put in without recognition or understanding from any of your peers. Seriously, it’s the people you work with -hands down.
Q. Why did we go to war with Iraq?
A. Oil, end of discussion.
Q. If you don’t know the answer, what letter should you bubble-in?
A. Go with ‘A,’ unless you have chosen ‘A’ three out of the last five times. In that case, you choose ‘C.’ That is, unless you chose ‘C’ on the question directly preceding this one. In that case, you pick ‘B’ or … you could pick ‘D.’
Q. How do you park on campus at CSU?
A. You cut people off-even when you see their blinker. You follow people to their car at half a mile per hour. You throw out every bit of etiquette that your kindergarten teacher instilled in you.
Q. What is the best thing that could happen to Colorado?
A. The Nuggets could win the draft lottery and pick LeBron James. James is going to be big, and he could turn Colorado into a basketball state. I would have also accepted any answer that referenced Jake Plummer playing well enough to fill the toe box of John Elway’s shoes.
Q. Name three things that aren’t funny, but that people laugh at anyway.
A. 1. When people fall down. 2. Movies depicting white people in black stereotypes. 3. Jay Leno.
Q. What happened to Crystal Pepsi, Waldo and Domino Pizza’s Noid?
A. The same thing that happened to Tab, Carmen San Diego and the Budweiser Frogs.
Q. Six degrees of Kevin Bacon: Elaine from Seinfeld.
A. Julia Louis-Dreyfus was Elaine on TV’s Seinfeld. She was also in Christmas Vacation with Randy Quaid, who was in Major League II with Tom Berenger, who was in Shattered with Greta Scacchi, who was in Presumed Innocent with Harrison Ford, who was in Raiders of the Lost Ark with Karen Allen, who was in Animal House with Kevin Bacon.
Q. What does ASCSU do?
A. Nothing, end of discussion.
With a tear in my eye, I leave CSU with one final essay question (many answers will be given full credit): What will you miss most about college?