May 072003
Authors: Paul Franco

Break out the yearbooks; it’s time to get sentimental. Judging from my fellow staff writers here at The Collegian, the last column of the year has to somehow reflect on the past year and give advice for things to occupy your time with in the future. And seeing how this is probably my last column ever, I suppose I must jump in on this tradition.

As I stand on the brink of standing on the brink of graduating next spring, a tear comes to my eye as I look back on all the good times I’ve had and what I must do in the future. We are the future, I am told, and I do not take being the future all that lightly.

I think of better and greener pastures that await us in the future, but more specifically I think of those pastures that await me. To my loyal readership, do not despair; though this may very well be my last column, I am still here to entertain. As of next fall I will be producing Campus Television’s very own Full Tilt.

For those of you who don’t know what Full Tilt is, but do know my roommate, I will ask you to disregard his now famous catch phrase “Full Tilt sucks.” I retort that at least I am involved in extracurricular activities (the response of the nerd) and he scoffs and continues his game of Madden 2003.

Of course, all of this is beside the point. I ask my loyal readership to follow me into the exploration of a new medium, television. Full Tilt has been entertaining those people who work on it (and almost no one else) for some-odd four years (give or take a year) with their unique mix of comedy and band profiles. I plan on carrying the tradition established by the greats who came before me (you know who you are) every other Wednesday on Channel 25 at 8 p.m.

That’s enough of the hype for my future endeavors in entertainment. Some may scream conflict of interest, and to that I respond “I have a public forum and you don’t. If I am using it wrongly and as a vehicle for self-promotion, well, I guess you’re just going to have to deal with that and keep reading, or not.”

Speaking of Catherine Zeta-Jones, she was photographed topless, pregnant and smoking in the comforts of her own home. I tuned in to MSNBC for my daily dose of unbiased news and they were counting down the top five stories of the week, and guess who was back at number 2? That’s right, our favorite subject: celebrities.

Leave it to Hollywood bigwig and Chicago-star Zeta-Jones to oust coverage of the reconstruction of Iraq and replace it with her very own carcinogen-inhaling antics that begs the question whether celebrities have any obligation to be role models. To the news I referred them to the seminal work of Charles Barkley in which he states: “I am not a role model.” But, as I had the volume up pretty loudly on the screen I don’t think they heard me.

Some may point out that I have some sort of unhealthy fascination with the news and yelling at the television. To that I respond: “Fair enough, but at least it isn’t my only unhealthy fascination, I do love food also.”

And if I were cattle this would lead me to the greener pastures portion of the column (okay it leads me there anyway). Within a month and a week or two we will be blessed with what will surely be the musical event of the summer. No, I’m not talking about the Justified and Stripped tour featuring Justin “Cry Me a River” Timberlake and his new boo Christina “Dirrty” Aguilera; the new Radiohead album “Hail to the Thief” will be released on June 10.

In the meantime I’ll settle with watching the rich man’s Steven Segal, Keanu Reeves, battle the poor man’s Gary Oldman, Hugo Weaving (as Agent Smith), in what is sure to surpass the shock and awe seen in Baghdad, The Matrix: Reloaded. I’m almost as giddy as a schoolgirl, but I tend to reserve such excitement for the more important things in life, such as Wes Anderson films and Radiohead albums.

Speaking of the more important things in life, you, my loyal readership, if you’re anything like me, then there is still a few more term papers to write and a few finals to study for, or for which you need to study (can’t end a sentence with a proposition, I am told). But, it’s waited this long so it can wait a little longer. We all work better under pressure anyway, and if you don’t, well, you’re out of luck.

I feel words of wisdom bubbling up inside of me; I feel a really good yearbook quote is coming: “We all talk about standing on the proverbial brink, whether it’s graduation, entering the real world, getting a job, blah blah. But, of course that is not the point. And if that isn’t, what is? The point that is, what is the point? Well, I guess it is: whenever possible watch the movie instead of reading the book.”

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