Apr 172003
Authors: Reed Saunders

There’s a new love interest in my life… her name is Cheesy Gordita Crunch. With food like this out there, it’s no wonder half our country is hyper-obese.

Know that Mandy Moore lyric, “I’m missing you like candy”? Wouldn’t that carry a whole lot more clout if Mandy weighed, say, 420 pounds? I just can’t see candy meaning that much to someone who stopped eating in 2001.

Britney Spears settled out of court with a man she claimed was stalking her. Money or no, all I have to say is, I will not be ignored.

Does live TV get any more awkward than the closing credits of SNL? All those semi-stars drifting around, pointing to people in the stands and struggling to find the appropriate level of affection towards each other and A-List hosts.

Imagine Tracy Morgan walking up to Tom Hanks and saying something like, “Great working with you, Tom, we have to do this again!” Then Tom kinda smiling and looking desperately for Ana Gasteyer. Or when the host and music guest just aren’t compatible? How about Molly Shannon bear-hugging the obviously terrified bassist from the Strokes? Jason Priestley high-fiving the guys from Teenage Fanclub like they’re best

buds? How about everyone avoiding Oasis like bad tuna? Nothing like looking at a big fish bowl filled with celebrity awkwardness.

I see “Bulletproof Monk” is coming soon to theaters. I liked this movie the first time I saw it… when it was called “Rush Hour.” Or was it “Shanghai Noon”?

Call me insensitive, but seeing the dudes grilling “Burgers for War” mere paces away from the hippies “Fasting for Peace” was about the funniest thing I’d seen all year.

Has anyone ever seen an elementary school kid flailing around in the street in those 20 MPH flashing zones? No.

Elementary school kids aren’t that dumb. College kids, on the other hand, act like they’re the Grand Marshall at the Macy’s parade, crossing when they please, jaywalking

Hourly and cruising around jamming the new Linkin Park CD a tad too loud in their headphones (life is so hard!). I say, move the flashing zones from the elementary schools (where we’re essentially slowing down for no one) to college campuses where the idiots roam before someone gets hurt.

Ever stumble across those ladies getting their makeup done on the home shopping network? You know, where they cover half their face with the latest, greatest thing in wrinkle-reduction and leave the other half looking like Andrew Jackson on a $20? Is anyone else creeped out like this?

Reason No. 318 that I’m never having daughters: Sorority Life. Has any show ever done so much to inhibit the advance of the women’s movement? Why doesn’t Martha Frickin’ Burk stop bitching about Augusta National and focus a little more

on shows like this that make women look nothing short of criminally insane.

I guess those guys from MTV’s “High School Stories” who put 80,000 bees in their High School never saw “My Girl.” If I had to appear on a dating show, I’d have to pick “DisMissed.”

You get a 50-50 chance, there’s opportunities for friendly banter with the competition, and you get two fun dates that usually involve nudity or kissing. “The

Fifth Wheel” and “Elimidate” are train wrecks, “Shipmates” could leave you marooned for three days with someone you hate, and Roger Lodge is just a little too, um, happy.

When you think about it, weren’t Alf and Urkel basically the same show? Quirky lead character, not quite of this planet, going after hot chicks whilst spouting goofy catch-phrases? Funny, isn’t it, that Alf is the one that’s still working.

I’ve had a number of people say they just don’t understand my calls for “more cowbell.” Can we just all agree right now that these people never spoke up in the first place? These must be the same people who despise Random Thoughts columns. Suck on it, Trebek.

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