Feb 112003
Authors: Ken Hamner

It’s finally happened: I’m not angry about anything. How can this be so? Probably because I’m not shocked by anything anymore. Nothing our dear president, Iraq, Israel, Palestine, North Korea, Brooklyn or whatever does surprises me.

I could be mad at the weather, I suppose – be it the drought or last week’s snow – but other than complaining to Bob Goosman at Fox 31 News, that won’t do much good, which is pretty sad.

All is not lost, however. Perhaps in this attenuated anger state, I can finally talk about things that are good. If I can combine this with the ever loving bliss and joy that comes about with Valentine’s Day, all the better.

I therefore submit for your approval, my Valentine greetings list to the world.

1) The first Valentine, of course, goes out to Carrot Top. You may be the most disturbing creature to have ever plagued TV (and believe me, folks, he’s even freakier in person) but you have pretty cool hair all the same.

2) To President Bush, I send my warmest greetings. You may have the face of chimpanzee and the scientific prowess of a lobotomized hedgehog, but you at least mentioned hydrogen power in your State of the Distopia…err…Union address, and that was a step, albeit a tiny, gnome step, in the right direction towards breaking our nation’s oil addiction.

3) To Marc Holtzman, I send my best wishes. Just because Governor Owens had a size 13 combat boot firmly implanted in his mouth when he endorsed you for our president, that doesn’t mean you aren’t a nice person. All that I ask is that if you do become CSU’s next president, you start up a local band and call it, “Marky Marc and the Admin Bunch.”

4) To Saddam Hussein, I send neither good wishes nor heart-filled appreciation, but I must admire you all the same for having the balls to wear that hat in public.

5) To Morgan Library, I have nothing but the deepest respect for you, from my heart right through to my colon. Every time I try to find anything in your hallowed halls and come up empty, I am humbly reminded that research should not be easy or rewarding.

6) To the Fort Collins City Council, I send out the most joyful wishes to you, for you soon will make it safe for me to be virtually anywhere without inhaling those horrible second-hand smoking fumes. I only hope that you may be equally successfully in the future by banning red meat, booze, butter, automobiles, guns, knives, chainsaws and any other implement that may be used to hurt myself or others in our fair city, so that we may live to a ripe, old age.

7) Someone just told me that a Valentine’s list would be incomplete if I didn’t send out my fondest love for the writings of Marcel Proust and his everlasting attention to obscure detail.

8) I also can’t forget to wish North Korea all the best. You guys are “da bomb” and you deserve to have one, too. Just be careful of who you drop it on or who preemptively drops one on you.

9) I must not forget to send out a warm Valentine to the copy editors right here at the Collegian. They try really hard – at least I think they do.

10) Here’s a Valentine to both the Israelis and the Palestinians. Nobody in the world doubts your admiration and love for some of the worst pieces of real estate in the world. If they are willing to mass murder hundreds, even thousands for their residential contest of Israel, think how hard they’d fight for Florida.

11) A Valentine similarly must go to Northern Ireland and the IRA. Nice job on being ignored by our nation’s War on Terror.

These are only 11 Valentines, but I’m sure you can see that, if you look hard enough, there is something to love about everyone. So go get ’em this Valentine’s Day. Make this a day worth remembering.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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