Jan 302003
Authors: Reed Saunders

Random thoughts while realizing the only cure for my senioritis… is more cowbell.

– When I was a kid, I really wanted this toy everyone else told me was crappy. Friends didn’t like it, parents didn’t like it, but I did. Nothing they could say or do

stopped me from getting that toy, simply because I knew I wanted it from the beginning. Insert Bush for me and war for the toy, and you’ll understand why war with Iraq is inevitable.

– I’ve figured this whole thing out in a nutshell: The US is like the New York Yankees of the world. Yankees fans (US citizens) love their team and know their team is the best.

Yet, much in the same way we all grinned when the Yankees lost in the playoffs last year, the world loves it when we don’t succeed.

– I’ve realized now that I won’t be truly successful as an editorial writer until one of my columns has been guest-produced by Timbaland or The Neptunes.

– Didn’t the whole “Cry Me a River” intrigue lose a little clout when Justin told Rolling Stone that he’ll always love Britney? Say what? Bridges were burned, my ass, Justin. Just when you were climbing out of the bog of boyband land, you’re back to being the same little whipped white boy you were before.

– And really I don’t know what the whole fuss about that song was anyways. Everyone knows that he was just singing about an unfortunate rafting incident he had on the Crimea River outside Istanbul. OK, that was bad.

– Think of the hilarity if Miller Lite girls argued about the REAL benefits of beer: Blurs vision! Makes urine! Blurs vision! Makes urine!

– Speaking of beer, partying at the Super Bowl, I met the two guys who came up with the whole “Twins/Love song” commercial concept for Coors Light. Fun guys who kinda resembled Barry and Ira from “City Slickers.” Further proof that you can’t judge a beer by its bottle.

– Often overlooked in the “biggest movie reaches” department: Superman flying so fast around the world that he not only redirects the earth’s rotation, but reverses time as well. Yeah, sure, Clarkie, and I’m Dr. Emmett Brown.

– And how about “Superman IV”? Superman announces he’s going to rid the world of nuclear weapons and this prompts armies everywhere to immediately shoot their missiles into space?

Is that like flushing your weed down the toilet when you know the cops are coming?

– Two things that always bothered me about “Back to the Future”:

1. When Einstein the dog returns from the inaugural time travel trip one minute ahead, the car is covered with what appears to be dry ice. Doc Brown quickly pulls his hand away, telling Marty, “It’s cold, damn cold!” Yet somehow, in subsequent trips through time, this “coldness” never reappears.

2. Old Man Peabody never reports the “airplane without wings” to any local authorities, even though his entire family is shocked and disturbed and his barn was destroyed by the incoming time machine. For all we know, no one

in Hill Valley ever heard.

– How the hell is Russ still on “The Bachelorette”?

You show me one girl who could stand through weeks of a guy telling her, “There’s a reason we’re together, I know this is meant to be,” and I’ll show you a damned liar. And no, I don’t watch the show.

– There’s happiness, verifiable glee, and then there’s stumbling upon Saved By The Bell reruns after a long night of drinking at 5 a.m. Even Superman would have some serious work cut out for him trying to top that one.

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