Jan 222003
Authors: Paul Franco

Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy nature. The desire for the wholesale destruction of nature is one of man’s most fundamental and redeeming desires. At first it seemed man would be able to fulfill this desire quite easily; however, nature has emerged as a formidable foe and man has to reconsider his yearning. So, failing the complete and utter devastation of his mortal enemy, man has settled to display the dominance he holds over the bane of his existence.

These displays of dominance have generally failed miserably. Napoleon’s attempt to blow up the moon using catapult technology returned little to no results. Teddy Roosevelt’s effort to fill the Grand Canyon with concrete, in turn righting the wrong nature wrought, was an embarrassment. President Bush’s plan to collapse the Earth in on itself by drilling all of the oil out of it was met with great resistance. The Axis of Evil’s stab at melting the polar ice caps looked promising, but one of its key members, Iraq, has more pressing problems to deal with.

If Teddy Roosevelt failed in his life-long mission to conquer nature, what hope is there to fulfill our most basic desire? Must we concede that we have no dominion over nature? Is the only path left open to us living in peace and harmony, with nature? Must we become – gulp – hippies?

I refuse to become a hippie. I refuse to go against the very essence of my being. I refuse to give up the authority over nature man has worked so hard for. I am not alone in these sentiments. There are many people out there, whether they are hunters or criminally insane madmen, who hold the same feelings. They want to settle once and for all who owns dominion over whom, and apparently so does the Fox network. We should all thank the powers above for the Fox network.

Fox has given us such quality programming as “American Idol” (that Simon is evil!) and “Joe Millionaire” (he’s not really a millionaire, he’s poor!). Whenever it seems that Fox has reached the peak of the entertainment mountain, they always outdo themselves. Witness the quality jump from the very good “Temptation Island” (they’re not single!) to the excellent Bachelorettes in Alaska (it’s cold and lonely there!).

However, none of Fox’s previous programming changes can compare to their most recent. Fox first gave us “When Animals Attack” (watch out for that skunk!) a few years back, and if anything, it proved man must be afraid of nature. It dealt a huge blow to man’s collective ego. If we must fear killer kittens, how can we expect to exhibit dominion over nature?

Luckily, Fox has shelved “When Animals Attack” in order to provide a more uplifting message to man with the new and exciting “Man vs. Beast.” Instead of showing the horrific and sickening sight of people being ambushed by animals, Fox has put man and nature on a level playing field in “Man vs. Beast.” We see 44 little people compete in a pulling contest with an elephant and a world class sprinter race a giraffe and a zebra, among other contests. What better way to prove man’s dominance over nature than the venue of sports?

The results were both encouraging and discouraging. The sprinter lost to the zebra by a few seconds, yet decimated the giraffe by a few yards. The 44 little people were out-pulled by the elephant, but to be fair, this was the first pulling contest for many of the little people, whereas the elephant is a veteran on the airplane-pulling circuit. A Navy Seal crushed a monkey in the obstacle course race by at least a furlong; it may have been two furlongs if my calculations are correct. A bear bested the world’s hot dog eating champion in, what else, a hot dog eating championship, but the man would have definitely beat the zebra in the same contest.

If “Man vs. Beast” proves anything other than the fact that Fox will never be able to top it in terms of pure entertainment, it is that man holds some dominance over nature. We can out-sprint a giraffe and perhaps, with the proper training, we can out-pull the elephant. But is this enough to fulfill the yearning for the destruction of nature? Man must not be complacent in these small victories; he can do better. My advice for the competitors in the next competition is simple: bring your guns.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.