Franco: Bling, bling

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Dec 112002
 
Authors: Paul Franco

I’m rolling a blueberry, not purple, Mazda Prot/g/ on 13-inch rims, stock. My teeth are stock also, no platinum caps on them. I have a watch my aunt gave me last Christmas, but I don’t wear it because I don’t wear jewelry, and I don’t want to be ruled by time. The only flossing I’m concerned with is the flossing that has to do with my teeth. To be honest, even then I’m not all that concerned with it. Holla back young’un!

As you can tell a lot of things are missing from my life, perhaps most notably good dental hygiene, though I do brush. And isn’t that enough? Honestly, who flosses? That is, flossing in the non-metaphorical sense. Show me a person who says they floss and I will show you a liar.

Questions about what I do and don’t do with my teeth are really irrelevant unless you’re my dentist, and you’re not, so stop giving me the third degree. What is relevant is that I am barely eking out an existence. My life is hardly worth living when my rims are only thirteen inches. I am most definitely living small. I want to live large as Biggie described it: “in mansions and Benzes / Giving ends to my friends and it feels stupendous.”

I am a man who strives for more than this meager existence that involves living in an apartment and driving a blueberry, not purple, ’95 Mazda. This isn’t what I want in my life; it’s incomplete as it stands. What’s missing? The answer is obvious, I am without bling. Bling will allow me to live large and floss in the metaphorical sense that has nothing to do with teeth. According to Juvenile it is flossing season, and I want in on that action.

Bling is many things. The form that it takes most often is ice. That is, ice in a metaphorical sense, as a synonym for diamonds, not as in frozen water. I guess they call it ice because diamonds resemble ice to a certain degree and I guess it’s called bling because that’s the sound I imagine diamonds make when they’re hit with light, or when they’re dropped on the ground.

I want to walk into a packed room with a lot of ice on, either around my neck or on my wrist because those are the body parts that look coolest with ice on them, plus my ears aren’t pierced. When I walk into a room I want the light to hit my ice just right so it makes the diamonds go “Bling!” and everyone will notice me. I want my ice to be like Master P’s so that, in his words, “the ice on my wrist shine like a light,” and “I can brighten up your day even at night.”

I want my ice to cost as much as B.G., who is part of the Cash Money Millionaires, the most ardent supporters of the bling lifestyle. He raps that he has “the price of a mansion ’round [his] neck and wrist.” Perhaps my hopes are a little too high here, but maybe I can at least strive to have ice on my neck and wrist that costs more than a month’s rent.

I need in on this action because even kids are. Look at Bow Wow (now no longer Lil’); he boasts that he “rocks an iced out Mickey Mouse around [his] neck.” I’m at least five years older than this kid and he has more ice than me! What am I doing wrong with my life?

Ice, in the metaphorical sense, is not the only thing that is considered bling, thus it is not the only thing my life is in dire need of. There are also other metals that go “Bling!” when the light hits them right and these include platinum and chrome.

Platinum can also go around your neck and on your wrist, but if those are full of diamonds, where else can it go? Being a fan of his mouth I would suggest it go on my teeth. Putting platinum caps on your teeth gives new meaning to having a sparkling smile. Every conversation with me can properly be called an expensive one.

As for chrome, it’s not really the type of metal you wear. Plus with the space on your neck and wrist taken along with your teeth, there’d be nowhere to put it. Obviously, it goes on other possessions that aren’t bodily, namely the rims of your car. Right now my rims are stock and they don’t even have hubcaps so I can’t put shiny paint on them that looks like chrome and goes “bling” when the light hits them. Even if I did have hubcaps I couldn’t roll stock that is painted shiny, that is pseudo-bling. I need 24-inch chrome rims that keep spinning when I stop so the “bling” is non-stop.

I need bling to complete myself. It seems I’m the only one who isn’t flossing these days, in both the metaphorical and non-metaphorical sense in the world. Bling will allow me to floss. Flossing, in the metaphorical sense, will allow me to live large. And isn’t that what life is all about?

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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