Dec 082002
Authors: Ryan Owens

The kitchen table, the bathroom floor, and the back seat of your parents’ station wagon – we’ve all been there (at least the more adventurous among us).

Much like the lost sport of six-base kickball, the sport of the quickie seems to have gone wayward in youth sexuality.

Where’s the element of spontaneity in today’s youth?

Of course, for those of us more temerarious in our sexual exploits, the public quickie makes for the ultimate combination of adventure and risk.

CSU is host to a number of the most infamous settings to act one’s carnal quickie urges.

Shaggin’ in the stacks

Morgan Library, with its wide selection of group “study” rooms, locking bathrooms and isolated third-floor areas comes in at first place as the most notorious location on campus for the “slipping of the length” – who hasn’t gotten busy in the library at least once?

Most notable is the fourth-floor government documents section.

Featuring low ceilings, convenient tables obscured by the stacks and that lurid musty book scent, it is likely the choice of many engaging in the “sport.”

Hey baby, goin’ down?

At a close second, with its dingy yellow walls, green carpet, horrid lighting and ever-so-handy STOP switch, is the Clark A-wing elevator.

A real-life opportunity to act out that age-old elevator fantasy before you hit corporate America’s workforce.

A word to the wise – be careful not to slam any bodies against the alarm button. Not that I would know anything about that.

Body, beauty, art

What better place to enjoy the beauty of artistic creations along with the beauty of your playmate? CSU’s Curfman Gallery makes its mark in quickie history, coming in at third place.

This should go without saying, but as with any location – public or private – be considerate of your surroundings and others around you.

Freshman love shacks

Coming in at fourth place, let’s have a round of applause for CSU’s residence halls.

Every year, thousands of freshman virgins migrate to CSU, and the residence hall setting is eager to consume these farm-fresh virgins.

And to keep those pesky roommates from ruining the mayhem of the moment, CSU has kindly installed a quickie safeguard – a highly durable door chain, which doubles as an S&M playtime add-on.

Thank you, CSU.

Spawn on the lawn

Ah, the great outdoors. What better way to finish off that late-night lunar observation session with a little hot session of your own? With its plush landscaping, scenic surroundings and wooded areas, the LSC lawn adjacent to the ultimate Frisbee course comes in at number five for CSU’s “ultimate” quickie spots.

And now a word from our lawyers…

As a final note, acts of “public intimacy” on university or public property are by legal standards, well – illegal. In highlighting some of the more notorious locations on campus, neither the Collegian, nor Ryan Owens, are endorsing or advocating public sex acts; play at your own risk.

Ryan Owens is a junior technical communication major and welcomes your questions, comments, requests for dates and hate mail to:

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