Dec 022002
Authors: Dustyn Connelley

Aside from the profound knowledge that is gained at a university, there is one additional thing that I have learned – I have yet to have been hit on effectively.

In four years of college, a typical student will have many nights of drinking, and in turn, this typical student will spend many nights rejecting those solely trying to “get some.”

Four years of keggers, stumbling upon random house parties, doing beer bongs, playing drinking games and slamming shots at the bar will not only give you a severe hang-over, but will also discourage the initial thought that you would find your “one and only” in college. And how could it not when those approaching you hold a batting average of zero?

This started as a freshman where the best a “fresh-out-of-high-school” boy could do was ask your major as he pumped the keg for you while staring at your chest. Now honestly, how far is this going to get you?

First of all, the lamest (but most often used) establishing question throughout your college years is: “What’s your major?” Now if you really want to know someone’s major, ask away. But if you want to tell her that you think she fell from heaven, I’d come up with something a little more creative.

Second, the two round objects that are placed perfectly centered on our female bodies, the objects that while stared at adoringly will give you a better chance of getting our phone numbers – are called eyes.

The better man will doggedly ignore the fact that we may be showing a little cleavage because in a world of double standards and a world of neurotic women, we want you to notice them but not focus on them. I know it’s confusing, but such is life.

This takes me past the last three years to present day: It’s legal that I’m drinking at the bars, I’ve been single for almost six months and the worst pick-up line that I have received resulted in me full out shoving the little guy, I kid you not.

A couple of weeks ago I was having a beer with a girlfriend, pretty ghetto from having been in classes and at work all day, just trying to relax and wind down, and here came this four-foot-nothing drunk kid stumbling at me.

(Okay, I realize that I can be an incredibly unapproachable female at times, that’s just my nature. But if you are going to actually put in some effort, I’ll honestly be nice and hear you out. And, there are few times that what a guy has said to me has left me wanting to make him cry, this night proved to be one of them.)

He started to make his way over to me as he’s doing that ridiculous googley-eye thing; by the way what the hell is that? You know the “hey do you see me looking at you” thing that looks like it came off of a Saturday Night Live skit? He made his way over and decided to establish me as a leaning post, placed his hand on my inner-thigh and then his stale drunk breath whispered the creepiest pick-up line ever…”my sister’s a lesbian.”

I’m sorry – What?

Did you quickly want to redeem yourself and come up with something a little more intelligent while saving what little your father passed on to you? I mean what are you supposed to say to that – and since I couldn’t think of anything, I did what any sane woman would do – I shoved the little guy. I know, I know, commonly this isn’t a safe practice and normally I would have just thought of a clever way to get myself out of the situation, but in this case, I couldn’t resist. He deserved to be humiliated. He revealed the epitome of what every girl hates: an idiot trying to hit on her.

Now I’m sure at some point, somewhere in this world someone has come up with an outstanding pick-up line that actually worked, but if you’re not that special someone, just let it go. Save the rest of us from having to deal with the ridiculous things that come out of your mouth when you’re drunk.

I promise this isn’t my attempt in scaring all men away from me, or from the female world as a whole. All I’m saying is that any smart girl isn’t going to go home with an idiot. And if you really want to take one of our fine specimens home with you, try coming up with something intelligent and we might just give you a chance.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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