XP: Microsoft’s new evil

Oct 302002
Authors: Ken Hamner

No, the above address isn’t at all related to Halloween. It’s instead related to the rant of the day. About what? Satansoft, that’s what. You are probably more familiar with the company’s official title, “Microsoft,” but the name, “Satansoft,” is so much more accurate.

My hate started swelling last Sunday. I have recently upgraded my home computer and, in the process, the manufacturer “blessed” it by having Satonsoft Windows XP put on as the operating system. What does XP stand for? “Xtra Pissing me off!”

So anyway, I’m used to the idea of a computer asking me what I want to do. Like with daylight savings. Every year, twice a year, I was happy with waking up and seeing a message on my computer from the old Windows 95 saying that it was time to change my clock. I would say, “Thanks for reminding me!” and go happily about seeing how my system information changed.

Not with XP.

I woke up and saw my computer clock was completely wrong. “WTF?” I asked myself for five minutes, trying to see what was up. Eventually, I realized the computer had changed the time….without asking me. What a horribly pretentious thing to do! I mean XP is a complete, total, rat-scum-faced jerk. But hey, who am I to argue? Someday the computers will do all the thinking and the people can stop, and everyone can be happy.

My annoyances that day, however, didn’t stop. Later that afternoon, I soon found that my “Windows Explorer” had suddenly become corrupted. Every time I clicked on “My Computer,” or a file folder, I got this lovely message: “Windows Explorer has encountered a problem and needs to close. We are sorry for the inconvenience.”

I tried it again and again, with the same effect. My immediate thoughts at the time are not fit to print in a newspaper. My next thoughts were, “Who’s ‘we?'” and “No, you’re not sorry. You don’t even ask to change my clock!”

Then it got even better! XP has a wonderful error reporting system, by which the program, after a silly prompt, sends the error and few of your files off to Windell, Magical Elf of Satansoft, via the Internet. Which files? I don’t know. In theory, it is “privilaged information” and no super hacker will use this information to blow up my computer with a computer virus, or computer bazooka, or whatever. In practice, who knows?

After much research on my part, I fixed my error by downloading a patch (at least Internet Explorer wasn’t suffering from the same hernia affecting Windows Explorer). It turns out the corruption I faced is rather common in XP. Now, I’m used to downloading patches all the time…but for an operating system? A known error that makes you unable to access your files? An error that makes you unable to open the “windows” that makes Windows famous? Bloody irresponsible.

Still, I suppose it was a good thing I ended up having to “update” my OS. There have been numerous cases of hacking into XP, particularly with the wondrous Satansoft instant messenger, so it’s good I got the extra security “protection” in my patch upgrade. It probably won’t work anyway.

I know one thing that worked, though. Satansoft’s latest ad campaign in New York was a smashing success. In a blind fury to tell as many people as possible about the 8th Circle of Hell…err, 8th version of Internet Explorer, Satansoft sent legions of evil henchmen into New York to plaster little sticky butterfly logos…everywhere. Yes, hundreds and hundreds of 12-20 inch butterflies all over town. Microsoft, of course, apologized.

“We apologize to the City of New York and the people of New York City,” said Yusuf Mehdi, the corporate vice president for MSN Personal services.

When I read this, I shouted, “No, you’re not sorry!” Of course they knew it was illegal to deface New York with their Satan-spawned logo. But getting caught, fined (a whole $50) and forced to clean up the mess, including an “apology,” sure was good advertising. Nice work, corporate Satansoft board!

Oh, but Satansoft is getting even more evil. It turns out they have just signed a tremendous deal with Disney, basically making an online network with complete Disney themes. As if these two monstrous juggernauts of corporate evil weren’t bad enough alone, they had to go and join forces, creating an Uber Corporate Hydra-Zord of Doom.

When asked about the deal, Bill Gates said, “We’re going to make a lot of consumers happy.” Yeah, I bet. Every blood cell in my body, from my spleen straight down to my bone marrow is pulsating with glee.

My advice to my adoring readers? Boycott Satansoft, while you still can.

 Posted by at 6:00 pm

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