Oct 012002
Authors: Ken Hamner

“Oh yeah, well, I bet I can spit farther than you!”

“Yeah, well, I can make bubbles with my spit!”

“I’m cool because I’m friends with Chuck.”

“Like it matters. My friend, Johnny, he’s from New York, and he can whoop you good!”

“So what? My dad can whoop all of you and your dads!

Sounds like a schoolyard argument, doesn’t it? The thing is, adults play these games too. Just last week, we heard from President Bush: “After all, this is the guy who tried to kill my dad,” referring to everyone’s special friend, Saddam Hussein. Saddam was mean to George Senior and George Junior is sad. What a shame!

Soon after, we had Tony Blair, playing the perfect diminutive nerd, siding with the coolest army on the playground. Of course, he had good reasons, assuming his sources are correct. These sources, printed in the form of a weapons program dossier, declare evidence of Saddam’s current progress with chemical and biological weapons, missile capabilities and their current efforts in hiding such evidence. Therefore, Tony, soon to be followed by those kooky Italians, said they want the U.S. to police the playground for them. In return they would be best friends. That would be swell!

Saddam, of course, is a smart bully. He remembers when the U.N. playground chaperones stuck their noses into his business last time and he knows how to hide all evidence of wrongdoing. George knows that Saddam knows, so George has declared that his special brand of vigilante justice will strike whether there is evidence or not. And why not? International rules are stupid and lame!

Then there’s the re-elected class president of Germany, Schroeder. He had a tough time in his election because the playground children didn’t have a lot of lunch money and were most melancholy. Instead of giving them more money, he commented that certain American bullies might want Germany to give what lunch money they have to attack the Arab bullies. By saying he didn’t support any bullies whatsoever, the Germans felt like they were able to retain the lunch money they had and were happy to make Schroeder class president again. How fun! At least George Jr. hasn’t made any derogatory statements (yet) to the re-elected German, even though the country was once an ally with people who also tried to kill his dad many, many years ago when George Sr. was a pilot in the Pacific.

Meanwhile, there has been little mention of the recent demolition of most of Yasser Arafat’s sandbox fortress. This was really sad. It takes a lot of effort to build those sand box forts but those mean Israeli upperclassmen continually demolish them almost every other recess period. The Palestinians would probably build forts elsewhere, but with Israel taking over the football fields, Egypt having a firm grip on the swing sets and other Arab nations not willing to share even one merry-go-round, they haven’t much of a choice.

Of course, what it all boils down to in our country is who has all the marbles after November. If the democrats have all the marbles, they claim (undoubtedly with a few crossed fingers behind their backs) they will attack the economy just as or more vigilantly as Bush if he attacks Saddam. If the Republicans have all the marbles … well, let’s hope little George doesn’t throw any tantrums the world has to clean up for years or even decades to come.

Abortion Display

A little note to those anti-abortion folks invading our plaza with giant fetuses: Genocide is technically a term referring to the selective killing of a particular race. Since fetuses aren’t technically part of a specific race group, and since we don’t promote the abortions of only Jewish, Swedish, Jamaican or whatever race of babies, abortion is homicide at best.

Ken is a microbiology graduate student who favors the computer prompt command, “Abort? Retry? Fail?”

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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