May 022002

I’m not a teacher.Never been one, don’t ever plan on being one, and I envy them in only one way: they give out tests.

Next week being finals and all, it’s our professors’ time to shine as they challenge you to keep your grade where it stands. Personally, my grades always seem to hinder on finals, which means how the professor constructs the test is key to my GPA.

If only I made up tests, all my students would see their final as the highest grade all semester. It wouldn’t be cumulative, it wouldn’t be an essay, and it would never take up the two hours of allotted time. With me, it would be 15 minutes of multiple guess and then “Have a nice summer.”

So, because I see this as the only chance I’ll ever encounter to issue a test, I’m taking advantage. In fact, don’t even call this a test; haven’t you always thought “quiz” sounded much nicer? So humor me in my column finale and take this quiz.

And here are some hints (which real professors never give, those bastards): if there’s an “all of the above” option, that’s the answer; some might not have a correct answer; and, it will more likely be true than false. Good luck.

1. True or false: You’re reading this when you should be paying attention to a review session.

2. The Nuggets last made the playoffs in:

a) 1994.

b) They’re in it this year.

c) They’ve made the playoffs before?

3. CSU’s football team has a Heisman Trophy candidate in:

a) Bradlee Van Pelt.

b) Justin Holland.

c) BVP and Holland cloned into one quarterback.

4. CSU women’s basketball head coach Tom Collen should have stayed here because:

a) The team loses only one senior, meaning next year could be the best team ever.

b) He realistically could have brought home CSU’s first national title.

c) His team has cute players.

d) All of the above.

5. Who is Zach Schmitz?

a) The chubby redhead who kicked field goals at football games and rolled dice at basketball games.

b) Some kid who lives his athletic dream through intramurals because after four years of sports in high school, he wasn’t good enough to play anything at CSU.

c) Some kid who bugged me all year to get his name in the paper.

d) All of the above.

6. The Colorado Avalanche can only win when scoring the first goal because:

a) They’re better defensively than offensively.

b) They quit once they’re behind.

c) Who the hell knows?! They’ve got Peter Forsberg and Milan Heduk back on the ice for crying out loud! They should score at will!

7. Why don’t students ever fill up their section of Hughes Stadium?

a) They drink too much in the parking lot and forget there’s a game.

b) They drink too much in the parking lot, then spend the whole game at the $5-a-cup beer stands

c) They’re hungover from the night before.

d) All of the above.

8. Better things you could do next week other than study:

a) See in person the best baseball you’ll ever see the Colorado Rockies play.

b) Sleep.

c) See in person the first. Rockies manager with a winning record, before it dips below .500

d) Sleep a lot.

9. Who will CSU’s starting quarterback be next year?

a) D.J. Busch.

b) Steve Cutlip.

c) Ronnie “Sunshine” Bass.

10. True or false: This was the easiest quiz you’ve ever taken, and I’d be a great teacher.

Have a nice summer.

Jon is a junior journalism major who will be the Collegian sports editor this fall.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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