Apr 142002

Hello. My name is Jon Watkins, and I am a tool.

As a tool, I feel it’s my duty to publicly regurgitate inane social ordinances shouted down from those who are more “culturally aware” than myself. Today’s dictate, impressed upon me by my intellectual superiors, is this: “ALL STUDENTS WILL EDUCATE THEMSELVES AND THEN FORM AN OPINION ON THE BLOOD BATH IN THE MIDDLE EAST. FAILURE TO DO SO WILL RESULT IN ‘APATHETIC’ BRANDING.”

Briefly, a word of warning and an apology in advance: this will be painful. But I assure you, it’s for the greater good. People protest about this issue – even here at CSU – so it must be important.

Okey dokey, then, let’s do business. Pick a side: Israelis or Palestinians. Choose. Now.

If you favor the Israelis, proceed immediately to section one. If you favor Palestinians, proceed immediately to section two.

Section One.

Congratulations, imperialist pig. You now support the most contemptible colonialist regime since South Africa during apartheid. Your new buddies have a long and despicable history of systematic dehumanization of Palestinians – the indigenous people who were brutally displaced after their land was seized.

Your side strives hard to confine an entire ethnicity to shantytowns, and quite frequently, these people’s meager shacks are bulldozed when inhabitants are accused of terrorist collaboration. Furthermore, Israelis often choose not to apply any rule of law to Palestinians – when one is suspected of terrorism, she or he is burned to a crisp via hellfire missile from an untouchable Apache helicopter.

On a lighter and more amusing note, the country you support brutally suppresses revolt with a military that manages to be serially inept despite having the benefit of the most sophisticated weaponry in the world. Unexploded tank shells are left in Palestinian school yards, unarmed Christian monks get shot in the back, and clearly-marked Red Crescent Society ambulances are targeted and blown to bits by bumbling tanks. Sloppy and pathetic!

You may now proceed to the conclusion.

Section Two.

You’re either a naA_ve simpleton or a bloodthirsty savage. Because I’m such a nice person, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you’re the former.

If you believe that Israel is the greatest oppressor of the Palestinian people instead of the suicide bombers that are publicly worshipped, then your gullibility is an utter embarrassment to the entire human race. The largest impediment standing in the way of Palestinian freedom is the demented loonies who intentionally shoot at little girls during their bat mitzvahs or target young teenagers waiting in line at a dance club. Drumming up support for violent psychopaths is about as productive as masturbating to a snuff film.

If you really want to protest something, protest the Palestinian society that chooses to beatify the mentally and morally deranged by putting them on posters or naming public plazas after them. Don’t reward the actions of depraved murderers by demanding Israel capitulate to their demands, and don’t insult my intelligence with melodramatic attempts to convert me to your misguided and moronic worldview.

You may now proceed to the conclusion.


As much as I despise you (whichever side you’re on) I’m delighted that you’ve decided to raise your awareness and come to an ignorant opinion on the slaughterhouse that is the Levant. While you could’ve abstained from forming a concrete opinion – thereby keeping yourself free of shame – you chose instead to be a brainless tool and pick a side. Hooray!

So wipe those tears away, baby – at least you’re not apathetic.

Jon Watkins is a senior majoring in English.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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