Mar 062002
Authors: Laura Sachs

Due to the lack of immediate service from CSU, which is all about the students, my room has been very cold lately. My heater barely works, thus forcing my fish and I to live in rather frigid temperatures. My fish hardly appreciates it, and displays it by pretending to be dead rather often.

I hardly appreciate it and find myself doing jumping jacks in order to stay warm. My father and boyfriend have both offered to buy me a small heater, but I refuse to accept, believing that, any time now, CSU will remember its freezing students. However, this cold has motivated me to accept a new ideology: global warming. I am probably the only person on the face of the earth who is a full supporter of global warming.

The first advantage of global warming would be warmer temperatures. Colorado would be a better place if it were a few degrees warmer. In fact, most of the country would be better if the temperatures were higher. Canada would also improve; they would be able to use their drunken energy on more productive things besides trying to stay warm. Perhaps they would even realize how silly those Canadian Mounties look.

Californians would whine about the temperatures rising to some sort of “unbearable” heat, but with the Californians, if it isn’t one thing, it is another. Landslides, car chases, power outages, O.J. Simpson, earthquakes; the Californians are always whining about something. So, we simply ignore their whining as usual and enjoy the newfound pleasant temperatures.

The water levels of the ocean will also rise once global warming goes into effect. Once again, this is a genuinely good thing. The only other problem with Colorado is how far it is from the ocean. Global warming solves this problem. It’s about time the rest of the country gets a chance at beachfront property.

And once again, the Californians, along with the residents of Oregon and Washington, will complain about losing their houses and state to the ocean. But we have already established that they are always looking for a reason to complain. Their problem can be solved quickly – move to Canada. Canada will be great when it is warmer, and maybe the whiny residents of the West Coast can solve the problem of Canadian Mounties. Other states will benefit as tourism rises, giving states like Utah and New Mexico a chance to be Spring Break destinations.

My plan will have opposition; environmentalists are like Californians – in fact, they may be one in the same. However, I know I will have the support of large corporations prepared to back these polluting ventures. It will save everyone much money spent on emissions tests, and we can go back to the aerosol cans of the 80’s and early 90’s.

Colorado will be much better once it is warmer and closer to the beach. Global warming naturally and effectively solves both of these problems. So follow my lead, and support global warming. And thank Colorado State University for creating an environment that encourages the development of diverse political views.

Laura Sachs is a freshman majoring in speech communication. She can be reached via e-mail at:

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