This week I came to the realization that I don’t have a lot of time left.
I’m not dying of a terminal disease nor am I contemplating suicide. I have simply woken up to the fact that I have only one more semester here at CSU before I graduate.
And, for the first time in my life, I feel scared.
I’m scared because I don’t know what’s going to happen next, and, for someone who plans things down to the meals he eats a week in advance, this kind of feeling is frightening.
Rocky Mountain News columnist Gene Amole knows a similar feeling. He knows he is about to die, but he has no idea about exactly when it is going to happen or what to expect from death. I think we can all share in his uncertainty in some way.
My experiences at this point in my life have me in a somewhat different position than Amole, but I think I can relate to him because I am approaching an uncertainty myself about life after graduation.
I know what I would like to do with my life. There’s a feeling I can’t quite describe, one that I get when I’m on the turf of Hughes Stadium with my camera and I know I have taken the perfect shot after a play. Sometimes I still get a similar feeling when I’m typing a story on deadline and I read a paragraph I have just written to myself and I know it flows like a mountain brook. Call it inspiration, call it being in “the zone,” call it luck, call it whatever you want.
Maybe other students here have had similar feelings, whether they came from tuning up a Formula One racing car in the Engineering Building, from helping cure a sick puppy in the Veterinary Hospital or from making a perfect speech in the student government chambers. There are events that change your life sometimes without you even realizing it.
The question I have to ask myself, and all of us have to ask ourselves, is will we be able to do the things we love and still make a living? What can we do so that we get these types of feelings every day?
With the recession that is currently going on, internships and entry-level jobs are becoming more difficult to find than they were a year ago. Two of my best friends graduated from the College of Business last December and have been looking for jobs for the past two months. While this may not be a long time to some people, they are freaking out that they will have to leave Colorado, the place they love and want to stay in, just to make a living in their careers.
I’m in the same position, and it’s almost a feeling of helplessness. It seems like no matter how hard I try to take control of my life I find it is up to other people and circumstances I don’t have any control over.
Maybe I am just like Amole; maybe we all are. Maybe it is the case that uncertainty is the only thing we can really plan on after all.
Josh Hardin is a senior majoring in technical journalism.