No more Kevin Bacon

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Feb 262002
 
Authors: Lee Miller

Of the people who have read my columns over the last few weeks, most have probably already uncovered me for the moron I am and given up on me. For the rest of you who still torture yourselves with my prose, the following observations should have you fed up by the time you finish reading. Then I will only have my parents to read my writing and will be able to focus on my dream career: custodial associate at the adult book ranch.

Tiger Woods is most undoubtedly washed up. Don’t try to argue with me on this one because my friend Dan Moore agrees with me, and he is smarter than you.

I promise to never make a Kevin Bacon reference ever again. Seriously-

Does anyone else wonder how Dick Vitale can continue to be so loud and obnoxious with his lips securely planted on Jason Williams’ ass?

They should rename New Jersey Hughesylvania. What kind of name is New Jersey, anyway?

Be thankful you are not: Those two cross country skiers who got their gold medals taken away; Josh Howard of Wake Forest; the next head coach of the Oakland Raiders; Irina Slutskaya; Darryl Strawberry and that dude that got beat up by a girl at this party I was at on Friday.

Person I wish I were: the bikini wax technician for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Yep, that’s pretty much it.

The Olympics were great, but the four-hour closing ceremony extravaganza was a little too much. How many times are we supposed to watch a bunch of old people perform the exact same skating routine?

When describing something that smells bad this week, you should definitely use the word putrid.

The gyro stand on the north side of Mountain Street is much better than the one on the south side.

Did anyone else find himself or herself swearing profusely at Joe Sakic on Sunday? It’s times like these that really make me question my own integrity.

Here’s a great idea for Kevin Bacon’s next movie: Kevin plays the Amsterdam Admirals’ quarterback, who must compromise between his football career and a hash addiction, paired with his job in the red light district. This would be cinematically groundbreaking. And Kevin Bacon would be the star.

What would have happened if the Russians had actually pulled out of the Olympics? Would they also have pulled Yakov Smirnoff’s cameo in this week’s “King of the Hill?” Would President Bush add them to the list in his “Axis of Evil?” More importantly, would Russia start its own Olympics with the Koreans and Iranians? Be thankful Vladamir Putin is a reasonable man.

Forget Tyson vs. Lewis; the best fight of the year is going to be between Nick Van Exel and Mark Cuban when they get into a dispute over who can get more chicks.

Michael Jordan is injured and will supposedly miss a few games, thus making the NBA obsolete once again.

I just heard that Britney Spears might play Charlotte’s nympho niece on “Sex in the City.” Is there anything this girl can’t do?

I wish I were Ozzy Osbourne’s son; that would be so cool.

At my funeral I want my eulogy to begin like this: January 26, 1986, da year dat da Bears won the Super Bowl-.

At Athens in 2004, they will announce that disc golf will be accepted into the Summer Olympics. I’ll be there, with my wife, Petra Nemcova. It will be a glorious, glorious day.

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