Feb 062002
Authors: keith CHRISTIANSEN

Only eight courting days left until Valentine’s Day.

Ah yes, 2-14, the 4-20 for lovers. I would like to take this time to warn students about a habit that receives little media attention. We all know that marijuana use is a serious problem for a few people, but we hear little about the lives destroyed by loving too much.

Allow me to illustrate how dangerous this feeling-filled holiday can be. One Valentine’s Day this friend of mine, we’ll call him Mike, spent several months saving for diamond earrings for the love of his life (he was in high school). One week before this dangerous holiday, his girlfriend told him she no longer loved him. Mike held out hope that his gift would give him the fix that he now so desperately pined for.

Her refusal of his over-passionate gift shattered him. He wrecked his car and did other, less costly, but equally irrational things. He spent the next several months in a house-arresting depression. Love withdrawal is worse than any substance could ever induce.

Mike is not alone in behaving illogically while under the influence of love. People on love become dumb, making up words like “sweetiepoo,” “pookie,” and “spelunkmasta.” Oftentimes, they lose motivation in their career, opting instead to “spend more time with their loved ones.” This un-capitalistic attitude has been tolerated for too long.

Students on love are often so distracted by thoughts of their lover that they have trouble focusing on their studies. Love victims lose more than just motivation and brain cells. How many friends have you seen drop off the face of the earth because of love?

Love is a gateway feeling. It leads to other euphoric, more dangerous feelings, such as desire. And if these feelings exist between people of the same sex, their physical displays are illegal in some progressive southern states.

Geniuses like Jerry Falwell have already called for the criminalization of homosexual love across this expansive limiting country, but this seems discriminatory to me. Heterosexual love is just as dangerous.

We are quickly approaching that stage of civilization where Big Brother needs to become more restrictive. Who else can so effectively protect us from ourselves? How many more lovers’ lives are going to be ruined before the government does something to curb the use of this dangerous emotion?

Love should be illegal.

I realize that some people (who also have reservations about the criminal status of marijuana) might be opposed to legislation criminalizing love. These radical liberals will argue that love is victimless, non-lethal, and usage is widespread. These people believe that what is done within the confines of one’s mind is their own business. They will argue that the majority of love users are responsible and very few are abusive.

American policy is not concerned with these arguments.

The only substantial argument against this policy is that love is not a substance, it is a sentiment. It is time we train and deploy the “mind police” necessary to control the rebellion of individuals.

Sure, the cost of this policy would be staggering, but that is not something America worries about. Neither will we worry about the revenue from the multi-billion dollar love industry that would now go to the black market.

The loss of musician’s staple inspiration will be felt by music lovers, but I think we can all agree that the inherent risk in love makes this policy logical.

Please, until I can lobby this legislation through our sensible Senate, let’s all be careful this Valentine’s not to fall in with the wrong emotion – love.

Keith Christiansen is a senior majoring in English.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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